† Tuesday, April 03, 2007
yeah. i'm REALLY free now so i guess i'll juz emo.
i find myself staring at her. in lectures, in the canteen, while i'm walking, while i'm eating, while i'm breathing. i guess i still like her? Leo pointed out she really has a lousy attitude. i tink she knows i still like her. and i know her attitude sucks. But i still find myself drawn to her. its been 4 years since i saw her in the flesh and i feel like my heart is trying to make up for all the thousand odd days i couldnt see her. love is such a magical feeling. it makes one forget the other's flaws. it numbs the heart, it befuddles the brain, it create obessions. every dream, every thought, every feeling would wind up back to her. pain along with warmth, grief along with joy, oxymorons at every corner. the inner monster roared with fury when she talks to a guy, it purrs in contentment whenever she is alone, it shudders with excitment when there are opportunities to stare. some call it lust. it might be. but do lust last 5years? through all the temptations, through all the wasted opportunities just so, without even a slight chance that we could end up together. a crush then? a crush for 5 long, agonizing years where every information about her is eagerly fought and sought for? years spent in Hope, in prayer where we could be together when the brain is very, very clear that it is not possible? my heart wants me to walk up, say hello, to resunme the chase, to try again and again. then the ever cool brain reminds the pain, the humiliation, the impossibility of even saying hi, the persistant nagging to give myself a chance, to forget. and the soul, torn between two masters, takes the middle path, to stalk, to stare, to dream, to wish, to hope - the middle course that burns stronger, burns deeper every single passing day. i almost want, sadistic as it sounds, for her to tempt me, then to laugh at my pathetic attempts to reach out, all for her own pleasure. at least i can contribute to her happiness. it sounds so pathetic and loserish but its so true. so what are my plans? i guess i will stick to the middle until someone who wants my piece of my hopeless excuse of a heart appears. till then, the dream will carry on...
Use me as you will,
Pull my strings just for a thrill,
And i know i'll be ok,
Though my skies are turning grey
snippets . @ 6:59 AM
