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Catch 22 . +


† Friday, October 31, 2008

i'm retaining .


_____________________________________________________________


never really liked The Academy Is...
been wanting to type bout her for quite a while .
heard this song on radio .
cant find it anywhere .
surfing Youtube .
found the song .
by The Academy Is...
and it turns out to totally describes my pain and confusion over her .


The Academy Is... : About A Girl

One song about a girl
I can't breathe when I'm around her
I'll wait here everyday
In case she'll scratch the surface
She'll never notice

{everytime i see her, my heart rate doubles, and the ache starts...really cant breathe around her...but she'll never notice me...}

I'm not in love
This is not my heart
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a girl

{everytime i think bout her, i'd try to convince myself that she would never like me, and that i was wasting my time and energies...but when i see her again, i fell back into love...}

Last night I knew what to say
But you weren't there to hear it
These lines so well rehearsed
Tongue tied and overloaded
You never notice

{will you ever notice me?...}

I'm not in love
This is not my heart
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a girl

{no, i shouldnt be wasting my time over something thats impossible...}

I'm not in love
This is not your song
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a girl

To be loved, to be loved
What more could you ask for
To be loved, to be loved
Everyone wants
To be loved, to be loved
What more could you ask for
To be loved, to be loved
Everyone...

{do you know how many people are in love with you?}

I'm not in love
This is not my heart
I'm not gonna waste these words

I'm not in love
This is not my heart
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a girl

I'm not in love
This is not your song
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a girl


remember watching shows were someone cradles a baby and says he or she would be a heartbreaker someday?

i understand it now .

i did try, i stayed away, i avoided you, i talked to other girls, i tried to stare at my eyecandies only...

but everytime i accidentally glance at you, i fell back into love .

and the cycles repeat again .

i'm sorry .









































but you're just too perfect ...
snippets . @ 2:01 AM

† Friday, October 24, 2008


y'know, next time i talk bout hair, remind me to talk botak .





The Light at the End of the Tunnel:

nobody really believes me when i tell them i have'nt even started studying for As .
its hard to believe too, its insane actually .
but i'm not insane, just lazy .
and yes, i really have not started studying yet, and i dont lie about such stuff .
but its good to see people working .
yeah, duh, i feel kinda sad but i'm not going to play devil's advocate and make them retain .

i dont think i have a problem with history, especially if i aint studying some other subject .
i'd be treating lit as a test of where my level is in the actual As so i can plan what to do next year .
econs is totally gone, this week was supposed to be devoted to econs yet when i come school to study, i'm either sleeping or leaving by 1 to play LAN all by myself haha .
maths, duh, start working on it next year .
gp aint a problem .
so my best prospects ?
60 points .
worse ?
40ish i hope .
in any case, i'm really hoping that once you fail one H2(econs), i can retain .

i used to feel really pressured by my relatives, all below ten pointers except me .
thank God for my parents, they're fairly more successful compared to the other uncles and aunties so i'm shielded for now .
sure, people will do the typical auntie thing, but honestly, i wish i could give a damn .
after hearing bout the RJC principal, i kinda realised that life is not all about your early mugging years .
so what if you made it through at "normal" speed, if you're going to be stuck in the cubicle everyday or end up doing something that totally bores you when you're only in it for the money .
how would the "normal" speed graduates feel when someone who retains and repeats ends up as their employer .
sucky .
at least if i end up like that, i deserve to .
but if you mug and cram and end up like me, LOL .

i guess Life is more than money and good living .
most people want either recognition or wealth or both .
sure, i wont mind wealth and i kinda crave recognition but whats the point ?
all of us end up together in heaven where there isnt any need for wealth nor recognition .

i know more than a few who set their sights on a mercedes, lambo, BMW....
some others set their sights on a huge house, or a jetsetting job .
for me, i'm very very contented with a condo, cause i need the pool to help my condition and i'm bloody lazy to just pop by the local swimming complex and any car, as long as it works fine .
condo may be a bit far for my laziness to attain but i wouldnt die without it .
a car, who knows, when the oil runs dry, everyone is forced onto the public transport system anyways .

i guess the only reason why money is important to me now is for my parents whom i need to support and a family if i have one .
but i dont think i'd have a family, so its just my parents i'm worried about .

its just this zen stage i'm in right now, could be denial or could be that i've finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel .
having my own family used to be my top priority in life, but looking at my condition at only 18, i shudder to think what i would be like at 30 .
so now, my priority is serving God and the community .
just take the years on earth like a man and who knows, God might "parole" me and let me up earlier .
my absolute dream job now is being a international social worker, travelling to war torn or disaster ridden locations and help out .
apart from the nagging worry of having my head sawn off by extremists .
if not, i'd just work with the elderly .
i dont really like taking care of kids, i cant keep up anyways and the plight of the elderly is very close to my heart .
its just the language(s) barrier thats holding me back .
and finally, being a teacher isnt a bad option .
but if i cant teach in a JC, forget it, teaching is out .

talking bout teaching, Mark Wong's story also kinda revealed Life to me .
he studied in a poly, went overseas to do a degree i think and returned eventually to get a degree in history .
sure, he might be a few years late but he's exactly where the other teachers are, who mostly breezed through JC and formed the elite in Uni .
Mr Wong showed me that passion conquers all .
he struggled very badly with his original choice of specialisation but when he studied history, his passion propelled him forward .
if i'm not wrong, he did the American Civil War and logistics of the 100 year war so something .
and for me, i would very much like to do Nazi Propaganda and the transition from swords to muskets, which i have a huge curiosity in but cant find the relevant articles .
hopefully, my closet nazism and weird curiosity would be enough passion to help me .

so, thanks to a few really inspirational figures (God might have a role in this), i'd realised that 1., Life is more than the initial years of mugging and 2., theres another Life, the everlasting one that makes our present existence seem like nothing .
and i would really like to undergo the shame and humiliation, so i can have a richer experience of the underdogs .
hopefully, the time of testing would temper me into a better person .
both my parents retained, my mum in primary 6 and my dad in sec 3 .
both went on to be the most successful among their siblings .
so what if i retain, so what if i'm dumb .
so what if i dont rise above everyone else ?
as long as i'm contented with my Life, and God is happy with me, screw everything else .

the only pressing worry i have now is how i'm going to endure being with another class after 2A01 .
plus i'm going to be like a third party, the J1 bond is now tempered after a year together .
i'm going to hide in the library but what about tutorials ?
will they shun me ?
and how stupid and useless will i then look, when none of my friends knows my condition and help me to get by school are there anymore ?
would i still dare sit in the comfy red chair in Lit ?
can i force myself up without help and struggle to right my posture without being noticed ?
sigh .
i dont mind if they ignore me but i dont want to be laughed at or stared at .
and i have a gut feeling that 2A01 2008 is the only class with the best mix of innocence and understanding .
2A01 2009 however is just a repeat of my nightmare class in sec 3 and 4 .
damn .
just got to grit my teeth and struggle through i guess .

2A01 2008 .
i really hope you all will make it .
cause if any class deserve to make it, its you guys .
sure, we might be lazy and emo and beng and minah and goth and bimbo(s) and so on .
but every single one of you have the purest heart and intention without any pretension .
i really hope that in my darkest days next year, i can have the chance to hear and count upon your successes .
i mean, if you guys dont make it, man, something is screwed up up there .
and maybe, just maybe, one day, i can rejoin the successes of 2A01 2008, and finally rediscover the one place and the one company that i truly, truly felt at home with .
i'd never forget the best 2 years of my Life, and being in the presence of the best damn people i know .

Thanks Joel, oft partner-in-crime, without your humor and wit, *shudders*
-My ROFL kinfe so slaec slaec slaec, your mum, no you, sad face, LOLLOLLLOLLOOL.
-Fluffy, DAMN !

Thank you Lionel. For sitting beside me and knowing that i can go loopy sometimes while being loopy yourself too.
-Bitch, Slut, Whore, Prostitute, Strumpet, Geisha.
-"hurhurhur, i got ink on my thumb, hurhurhur".
-*inches away from patson*

Thanks Charlotte, for being downright irratic or serious when we need it. And sorry for all the times i annoyed and grief-ed you. i know i'm a bastard sometimes(and i'm sorry for it). And thank God you're in my PW team man. Oh, your massages too, even though it lasts for the whole of 5 mins hahah.

Thanks Shirlene, for all the food firstly, and all the times you helped me. Although i'm still more thankful for the food hahah. Oh yeah, thanks for always helping me up!

And thank you, all four of you, for giving me a place in your group when i was drifting around. For someone who never stayed with a same group for long before, its a testimony of how great you guys are as friends, if i could hang out with you all for so long and stay.

Thank you Leo, for being the few who can shoot me down and for all the memories of us dancing together for the college dance in class orientation and for the first few months of school. I'm sorry that we drifted apart though, which is entirely my fault.

THANK YOU CLAUDIA, for without someone who is bimbotic enough to irritate me, i wouldnt have derived so much entertainment and enhance my sarcasm ever. Hahah, okay okay, i'm sorry and i did try to stop. But you're just too....urgh most of the times for me to take it. Sorry though, you can laugh at me in return when you go uni.

Thanks Fiona, if there was one person i'm sure God sent, its you. Thanks for being there especially in the spiritual department and for showing me that Faith and Devotion is very possible to achieve.

And a big thanks to you three, for supporting me especially last year. And thanks for listening to all my woes and worries!

Thanks Steph, for all the times you really tried to help me in maths. And i'm really sorry for dozing off on our bus trips home, cant help it hahah.

Thanks Cheryl, for the trust you have in me for history. I'm really sorry if i misguided you in history hahah.

Thanks Mai, for teaching this pseudo UG leader commands and all. Oddly, when i think of you, i get this image of a wise owl.

And thanks to you three, for being the most innocent, genuine and talented people i have ever met!

Thanks Marian, for PW and for sharing with me stuff that is present in our class.

Thanks Aisyah, for being one of the few people who can shoot me down too. And for really trying to help me!

Thanks Joyce, for introducing me to the vampire books, got alot of techniques from there. And also for sharing with me stuff that is present in our class.

And thank you, all three of you for showing me that not all "matured" people are intimidating and elite, for all of you too, have the purest of hearts.

Thanks Zhi Xian, for introducing me to YHope, and for all the times you helped me. I'm sorry, cause i was a bastard to you many a times, even though you still helped me when i needed help. Really hope i have the opportunity to see you being accepted for who you are, cause you're not bad, just misunderstood.

Thanks Shawn, for entertaining the rest of us, and for showing maturity beyond any of us sometimes. And also for showing not all sports people are elite too.

Thanks you James, for entertaining endlessly too. All i can say is, have fun in divers lol.

And thank you, the CS team(Joel too), for all the times we had at the LAN shop, the accidental teamkills("Oops." "F**K YOU JAMES!") and the time we ganged ZX and knifed him. Thanks for guiding me especially in DOTA, for enduring my total noobiness and being farmed by the enemy. Seriously, i never laughed so much while playing LAN or be happy even if i got lowest frag. I never have so much fun with any other friends in LAN, period. LAN after Lit paper? LOL

To Yanni, i can only say sorry for ostracizing you, last year especially, i dont know why i did it and i'm sorry for it.

Thanks Sarah, for spurring me on in GP and History, if not, i'd would have been really complacent.

And finally thank you Aqidah, for all the memories we had, and i'm really really sorry for my erratic behaviour, and for hurting you so much. It wasnt intentional, and i still have no idea why.

All in all, i cant express fully how much gratitude i have to be in A1, to be amidst all of you. I'm sorry if i left out any apologies and things i should thank you guys for, its just that i'm really overwhelmed by all the memories i have, and i can only pick out the ones i remember now. I'm just really really thankful i'm in A1 man.































































damn, i'm really going to miss you guys .
snippets . @ 7:16 AM

† Thursday, October 09, 2008


just thinking bout hair, and i know its quite impossible by prom, but i really want my hair to be uber long in front, brutally short behind like sloped and moderate at the side. yeah, it might sound emo but i like it cause:

1. i'm bloody lazy and all i need to do is anyhow spike my hair at the back and i'm done,
2. i think it fits my frame? (not too sure bout that)

not that kind of emo in the pic but roughly that kind of hair.

so whaddya think? what sort of hairstyle should i have?
snippets . @ 9:06 AM

† Wednesday, October 08, 2008

You're Gonna Go Far, Kid
The Offspring


Show me how to lie
You’re getting better all the time
And turning all against the one
Is an art that’s hard to teach
Another clever word
Sets off an unsuspecting herd
And as you get back into line
A mob jumps to their feet

Now dance, f**ker, dance
Man, he never had a chance
And no one even knew
It was really only you

And now you steal away
Take him out today
Nice work you did
You’re gonna go far, kid

With a thousand lies
And a good disguise
Hit ‘em right between the eyes
Hit ‘em right between the eyes
When you walk away
Nothing more to say
See the lightning in your eyes
See ‘em running for their lives

Slowly out of line
And drifting closer in your sights
So play it out I’m wide awake
It’s a scene about me
There’s something in your way
And now someone is gonna pay
And if you can’t get what you want
Well it’s all because of me

Now dance, f**ker, dance
Man, I never had a chance
And no one even knew
It was really only you

And now you’ll lead the way
Show the light of day
Nice work you did
You’re gonna go far, kid
Trust, deceived!

With a thousand lies
And a good disguise
Hit ‘em right between the eyes
Hit ‘em right between the eyes
When you walk away
Nothing more to say
See the lightning in your eyes
See ‘em running for their lives

Now dance, f**ker, dance
He never had a chance
And no one even knew
It was really only you

So dance, f**ker, dance
I never had a chance
It was really only you

With a thousand lies
And a good disguise
Hit ‘em right between the eyes
Hit ‘em right between the eyes
When you walk away
Nothing more to say
See the lightning in your eyes
See ‘em running for their lives

Clever alibis
Lord of the flies
Hit ‘em right between the eyes
Hit ‘em right between the eyes
When you walk away
Nothing more to say
See the lightning in your eyes
See ‘em running for their lives
snippets . @ 9:09 PM

†

googled "a level retain" .
nothing at all related came out except some weird science-retaining-water or something .
its like looking for a rope to hang yourself and finding a spongecake .























































urgh .
snippets . @ 8:03 AM

† Tuesday, October 07, 2008

emo post, if you're uncomfortable around christian things too, just avoid this one .













found my way back to God last saturday .

went home, put my bag, took my bible, knelt down and pray for the first time in a long time .
i just felt so wretched, so lost, so sinful .
really poured out all my hurts to God, begged for His forgiveness .
but the saddest thing, which i think the Holy Spirit was telling me, was that this wasnt the first time .
this was not the first time i ran away from God, and end up on my knees begging for His forgiveness .
this was not the first time God took me back, relit the faith in me, and saw me falter slowly away again .
i must have been like the prodigal son for, what, 6 times already?
which father can accept that?
and that was one of the few times i was truly, truly awed by His greatness .
He always forgives, as long as your heart is true, always welcoming and caring when there are so many, so so many, other better deserving children for Him to pay attention to .
i wept, out of fear or out of relieve, i dont know .
i was afraid that He would turn away from me, and i know that no one in their right mind will accept the pain i dealt to God .
i was relieved, that God can help me again .
God knows very clearly i had came back for help .
not out of fear, out of faith, but pure mercenary desires .
He knows .
and i know .
which is perhaps why i keep falling away .
how is it, that from the purest love and faith, came the blackness of mercenary desires ?
how is it that a person who truly, truly, vowed to follow God especially since He had granted the miracle of 20 points for O levels when the person scored double that for prelims, fell away from his vow, and now is back asking for the same miracle for his As?
i've blamed everything possible .
i blamed my church, for not accepting me, for not noticing the boy in adult's service instead of the youth service .
i blamed my family, for not forcing me to go church, for not being strong christians .
i blamed my friends, for not noticing i needed them to help me find a church .
i blamed God, for creating me in the first place .
i blamed satan, and i can bet he was laughing merrily away below, holding the chains to my shackles of sin .
i blamed everything and everyone .
i turned bitter, building up false walls of what i thought people were thinking bout me .
satan stood beside me all the while, passing me the bricks of deception and the mortar of sin .
and i build, build and build till all i could see was the small hole of light way above me .
i cant feel, hear, or care about anything happening outside .
and suddenly it struck me .
that was my heart i was building around .
now my heart is turned to stone, i cant feel anything and blame the outside world for what i had constructed with my own hands .
i had literally built my own private hell, so steep, so strong, i can never climb out .
so satan, using laziness, lured me to continue my build .
now i dug, deeper and deeper, away from everything, away from God, misjudging the warmth of sins for the warmth of love .
and then suddenly, i uncovered skeletons of my past .
skeletons showing where i was before Christ, where i was when i had last fell so far away .
and again, i begged .
God help, please, forgive me, get me out of here .
and always, He came, through the small hole, flying me out and into the open .
i dont know whether He was happy doing so, or crying out of hurt, knowing i'd hurt Him again .
He placed me in the open again .
and suddenly, the many towers i had constructed dotted the horizon .
i can spy the great fat castle in the distance of my youth .
i can see the shorter wells and walls when i was stronger in Christ .
and i can see the growing height of each tower since then .
the latest one i had constructed was almost to the height of the old fat castle .
and God just stood beside me(i hope)trying to wake me up .
show me the sins i had built .
and how many times had He lifted me out .
and getting the brief moment of fresh air, i started unconciously building up my foundations of sin again .
i'm so used to it now .
my heart is so used to the stone, so used to feeling nothing except self pity and bitterness, now cant sense God at all .
that was the first brick .
satan handed me the second, and third, my econs paper, my maths paper .
and i started again .
now i can visualize standing within a knee high wall .
yet the many chains of sin are so heavy that i cant reach out to feel God .
i can only feel His blessings as He tried to reach out to me .
but i cant feel Him .
i cant feel any ounce of the conviction and faith i had .
i cant feel any bit of connection with God .
my heart has turned to stone .
i cant feel anything except for myself anymore .
















The Story of The Living Stones :

Sometime in American history, a bunch of farmers came together to build a small gathering place to worship God as the nearest church was too far from their fields and family. their building was simple but sturdy, like each of the farmers. there were no good wood to build the building, yet they had created something strong out of straw and mud. as their village grew, so did the "church" congregation. so they decided to hire a stonemason to construct a larger and stronger structure, a true church building.

the polish stonemason requested that they gather all the rocks and stones they can find into a large pile at the age of the site. the steadfast farmers did as they were told. when the polish stonemason arrived, he immediately started his task. taking one of his many hammers, he started hammering lightly at each rock, tossing some to the right, into the middle of the site and others to his left, away from the site. curious, the villagers gathered to observe his steady process. finally, someone decided to ask him what was he doing. the stonemason explained how some stones are "dead" while others are "living". those of the "dead" are impossible to work with, stubborn to till end, and those he would not waste time with. the "living" stones however, can be shaped to one's desires, to fit into the body of the church. those are the stones he would work with to build their church.

the church was completed eventually and true to the craftsmanship of that era, it stood strong and stable, with no other support except that of the stones supporting each other to hold the structure up. every sunday, the stones of the church building can enjoy the songs. every now and then, happy occassions like weddings or sadder yet powerful ones like funerals touch them. and now and then, the church gets a scrub-down, leaving each stone bright and glistening, almost in happiness at being so clean and fresh. yet all this time, the pile of dead stones stold where they were, baked in the sun, froze in the cold, animals used them as digestives or a scratching post. children threw them around, stomping and flinging them against everything. and sooner or later, through wear and tear, the dead stones eventually crumble into dust, into nothing. while the stones of the church, although now covered with vines and weeds, still had each other for support and company. and that church was discovered again eventually, and restored to its former glory. while the dusts of the dead stones continued swirling round and round, nothing for them to settle on for long, or to finally attain rest.







help me .
snippets . @ 6:37 AM

† Sunday, October 05, 2008

hey, it would be a great favor if you guys and gals can go to snippets under my links and comment bout 2 short excerpts of my novel. but they are from entirely different timelines so take it as it is. (that means its not a running story) Thanks in advance for helping me realise my dreams!
snippets . @ 7:13 AM