† Thursday, October 29, 2009
why Catch 22?
because my life, especially this year is basically summed up by it.
this year, retaining was a mixed bags of emotions for me.
it felt awesome cause it was another chance.
it felt shitty because i knew nobody.
i remembered very clearly how on April's Fool this year, i actually hid at the stairwell eating my lunch cause i didn't know anyone and couldn't sit with anyone. all the time i was running up and down to avoid weird stares. and actually felt twinges of pain remembering what 2A01 tried to do last April Fool, the botched attempt to scare Mrs Sim
that day was the turning point for me
the best years of my life were with 2A01 and i needed the happy memories to get me through school, yet if i remember those days i could never make it through school emotionally
damned if i do and damned if i don't, which is what Catch 22 means.
so i turned bitter.
previously i had avoided meeting up with the class because, honestly, i envied them for going on in life while i remained, alone, stuck in the rut.
but that day i really turned bitter.
whatever evil thoughts i had about my friends, i accepted readily, and used the thoughts to blame everything around me instead of myself
i retreated from everything that defined my life to that point, God, BB, family and friends
i stopped going to church after that day
i stopped going back to help out in BB and made up excuses to the officers that were asking me to help out
i stopped visiting blogs and to catch up with my friends
and that bitterness grew and grew
previously when Lionel shared his misery i could control any flares of impatience because he was such a close friend and he had stood by me during my moments of doubt
but after that day, i just let my nastiness run wild
i accused him of whining when he shouldn't be, seeing he got into university and all
i ranted and raved and abused him verbally
eventually he stopped talking to me, and we have not spoken ever since
and i grew even more bitter inside
when i met up with Shirlene and Charlotte, i really craved for a bit of sympathy and more so, that old feelings of friendship we once shared
but my bitterness acted as a screen
and i begin to resent them
and my bitterness grew
i felt particularly bitter when Fiona and Charlotte invited me to their church
that point of time, i felt they were using me to boost their church numbers
but now, thinking back, God was reaching out to me through them
and so i rejected them and God's efforts to reach out to me
and my bitterness grew
Zhi Xian and I promised to help each other out since we're both retaking
and the bitterness inside me made me blame him as my NS was prolonged but not his
i stood him up, refused to lend a helping hand when he was obviously struggling to juggle both the demands of NS and studying
i verbally abused him for petty things from losing my locker lock to my xbox
i forced him to agree to pay if he messed up my xbox when i didnt really play it at all
eventually we too parted our ways
Zhi Xian, the guy who was always there when i'm alone, who reached out to me in J1 and in J2, a close friend who had done more for me than i ever did for him
my bitterness swallowed them all
i was not myself anymore
rambling and raving when i met up with anyone, especially with Claudia and Aqidah
the bitterness grew
soon everyone were repulsed by my bitterness, Lionel, Joel, Zhi Xian, Charlotte, Fiona, Claudia, Shirlene
i skipped school liberally, going to play LAN myself initially, to just staring into space at home
when my mother found out, i was initially remorseful, but went straight back to skipping school after a week
when my family goes out, i pretended to be studying and when they left, i just stared blankly out again
my history grade plummeted, i blamed Mr Yew
my GP grade disappeared, i blamed the school's anal marking
my maths grade remained the same, i blamed Mr Quek
it was me and my bitterness on one side, and everything else on the other side
it fed me and i fed it
until today, when i read Zhi Xian's blog for the first time in months did i realize what i had done
until today i begun to think clearly
and now its another Catch 22
if i don't patch up my relationships and make amends, i'd lose my friends forever
and if i do try to patch things up, those relationships would never be the same, and the bitterness would reclaimed me eventually and i might end up losing my friends again
but one thing is absolutely clear, it is, was, and would always be my fault
i'm sorry Lionel, for what i've done, especially when you'd taken great pains to help me in my misery
i'm sorry Zhi Xian, for standing you up and leaving you for dead when you needed my help and had always helped me in the past
thanks Aqidah, for being there for me throughout the year, even when i ignored you, you were still happy to help when i needed it
thanks Huda, you really did fill in the emotional gap for me in my darkest days this year
and thank you God, for giving me this moment of clarity
ironically, i'm feeling a similar twinge of pain this time, not of resentment but from being remorseful.
i know full well that i'd never again will have such great friends ever again, seeing i'd blown up all my bridges.
all i want now is to make it up somehow to those i've wronged in the past, and close this painful chapter of my life firmly shut behind me.
snippets . @ 8:00 AM
