Normal Journal

CHINA

2011-04-03T08:33:00.001-07:00

280 / 500 done.

phew almost forgot to update.

justin invited me over to beijing, and surprise surprise, my parents were okay with it!

and thankfully dad (who wasn't very keen on me going but still okay if i submit a proper plan) is willing to let me use his krisflyer points so only is my ticket under SGD400, i get to fly there in comfort!

hopefully everything would be firmed up by next week so i can begin my itinery plans.

cant believe i'm saying this but i'm looking forward to go to beijing!

Good News

2011-03-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

240 / 500 done.

starting to lose my pushup ability, not good.

anyways a few good news:

1. CFC

all my life, one of the few sources of pride i had was attaining the highest rank possible in my CCAs. and now for my NS life, the CFC nomination which i have been waiting so long for is here. full marks given so getting it shouldnt be a problem and it is a great source of satisfaction that this record is still in the running as I was...

2. Earmarked as a Captain for 50th

when i went back for bb camp last week, this was the last thing i expected to hear. suddenly the officers just told me frankly that i was earmarked to be a future captain and weirdly enough, i was only mildly surprised.

i have a sneaking suspicion that subconsciously i knew how much time being regular in the bb is going to take, not counting the church i cannot skip for the pastors to approve. actually when i was in the bb, being a chaplain was what i was targeting but seeing how screwed up my Christian life is now, i guess that's out of the question.

i'm going to use mr kang as a template then, if God give me someone to spend the rest of my life with (which i'm seriously doubting but cool with it now) then i might seriously consider leaving it or stepping down, if not, God granted, i'd just soldier on till a better captain is found.

3. Going back to church

its been a long while and finally i started going back to morning service. hopefully God will grant me the strength to carry on attending regularly.

2011-03-19T01:32:00.000-07:00

180 / 500 done.

i have a bad feeling about this co. dont know how am i going to last the next 6 months.

first time i cracked under the pressure in camp today.

so many things to do and no one appreciates it.

back to my first BB meeting for a long long while.

hopefully God will help me attend BB regularly.

Push Ups

2011-03-10T06:57:00.000-08:00

80 / 500 done.

think i'm finally over the whole nsf of the year thing.

i took a step back and looked carefully, he really did more work than me.

yes he came in later, yes he's held to a higher responsibility, but still all in all, i'm the one sitting on the sofa chillaxing while he's still slogging away.

yep, over it completely, a nomination is good enough.

anyways gotta brag about something

i could never do a SINGLE pushup in the past, it was all half fuck bullshit.

sometime ago in november 10 i think, something just clicked in my head.

oh actually i remembered now, was reading about this halo player who did 20 pushups whenever he died in game.

i was hooked on MW2 then and thought "hell, if he could do it so can i."

so i swore to do 20 pushups everytime i end up with more deaths than kills.

my MW2 ain't great and things picked up from there.

by end dec, i was able to do a decent pushup after doing like 60-80 pushups almost everyday.

around jan, i stopped playing MW2 for quite a while and did like 60-80 pushups every 4 days or so.

anyways i can see the difference (i have only deltoids it seems, sandy says it looks like cancer) and new goal, 100 pushups in a single sitting.

still cannot believe that 4 months ago, i could not even do a single proper one.

one of the biggest accomplishments in my life.

Sigh

2011-03-02T04:19:00.000-08:00

500 pushups.

fuck.

okay i'd clear it slowly.

anyways, been really busy these weeks.

not the tedious, brainless, slog kind of busy printing loads and loads and edit the fuck out of tiny details that no one gives a shit about.

no this was real busy. like out-of-my-paygrade EQ challenging mental endurance and training kind of busy.

i'm actually enjoying it.

like what por yee said when i told him this, its fun cause it is mildly challenging yet doable.

anyways,

i'm a seeker of praise, glory and all that shit.

if undertaking that certain something means people will know i did it, i'd volunteer in a heartbeat.

but if its a thankless, unappreciated behind the scenes kind of deal, fuck off.

i guess the reason why i undertook all this fund management bullshit its cause at the very least someone might be more inclined to put me up for outstanding serviceman of the month.

after getting nominated in feb last year and not winning this, i really wanted to get this award before i leave army.

then, someone put me up for NSF of the year and now this award is like a consolation prize.

i cant win the award definitely so why the flying fuck am i caring so much about it?

i kinda screwed up my interview with the commanders and mine was the shortest one yet this tiny fuck-stubborn piece of me still cling on to the hope that i can win.

and i'm really pissed right now.

for the past year the month thing was all i wanted.

if i got it i'm honest to god, really satisfied.

now this award comes and screws everything up.

okay the other guy does more work on a daily basis.

but his paygrade is higher, hence his responsibilities are higher.

i'm doing more than what is ever expected of a enlisted man.

ah fuck it.

think i really got to resolve my lust for recognition and awards.

Resolutions

2011-01-25T08:48:00.001-08:00

Alright.

New Year Resolutions.

1. Personal Accounting

Been wanting to do this for a long time, keep a personal accounting book to see EXACTLY where my money goes.

So far so good, been updating dutifully everyday and it's really making me think twice before buying anything.

2. Pick up a Foreign Language

Okay kinda been wanting to this for a long time as well, and now seriously considering taking French with my sister.

Problem is, I kinda have a phobia of white people, like I'm worried of embarrassing myself in front of them.

Let's see how this goes.

3. Piercings

Okay this one I'm pretty set for it, ears and tongue.

4. Blog

Enjoyed reading my past self and this would be an interesting project to take.

Every Sunday I'd update my blog and if I fail to do so, 100 pushups.

this is going to be an interesting year...

2011-01-23T06:33:00.000-08:00

last post was January 2010.

woah.

most memorable thing in 2010?

Discovered the most awesome shit ever: Loud Music + Alcohol + Friends = WIN

think a jagerbomb pretty much sums up 2010 for me.

konfused.

2010-01-25T06:34:00.000-08:00

i have a problem with obsession.

its easy suppressing emotions.

but the most obscure of things would trigger the pain.

i can actually feel a physical pain right around my solar plexus area, just a very dull, aching pain.

it can be just her picture popping up on windows live.

or a facebook notification regarding her.

i hate how human nature made it so that we always desire what we cannot get.

(yet not cherish what we have already.)

she is everything i am not.

active in church, strong in Christ, studious etc.

so is the reason for my obsession for her, due to my desire to be like her?

because honestly, after mulling over it, i dont think we share anything in common.

previously, the girl i obsessed over was truly a crush ever since primary 5.

until i saw how she turned out in J1 when our paths crossed again.

the girl i am crushing/pseudo crushing now; she actually caught my eye in class orientation.

i was like "whoa, who's the cute chick?"

i swore my heart almost stopped a few times when we played games together.

yet again, even after discovering we share nothing in common, the ache is still there.

so technically the girl i'm obsessing over now is not because i have a crush on her?

then why is that aching so much more intense this time around?

brain VS heart =

trauma.

I just haven't met you yet

2010-01-18T04:49:00.000-08:00

feeling bubbly today which is rather weird.
how's As? well, i did it seriously this time, and i'm rather nonchalant about the results, its either i make it, or i don't.
the hurdle is cleared, either by stumbling and tripping over it, or clearing it cleanly, it is cleared, and i don't really want to dwell on it.
its all in God's hands i would like to say, problem is you're supposed to work your absolute hardest THEN let God decide, while i....ugh, nevermind, not dwelling on it.

been a tumultuous few weeks, reported back to base, and doing a completely different appointment this time. struggled with it for quite a while, and just when i was starting to get the hang of it, now gotta go for a 2 week course.

had a reaalllyyy deep talk with someone, which i regretted honestly, i just wasn't ready to empty my emotions there and then.
fell head over heels in love with someone i never met, and fell out of love (thank you brain) again.
guess i'd just stick to this:

I just haven't met You yet

Bitterness

2009-10-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

why Catch 22?
because my life, especially this year is basically summed up by it.

this year, retaining was a mixed bags of emotions for me.
it felt awesome cause it was another chance.
it felt shitty because i knew nobody.
i remembered very clearly how on April's Fool this year, i actually hid at the stairwell eating my lunch cause i didn't know anyone and couldn't sit with anyone. all the time i was running up and down to avoid weird stares. and actually felt twinges of pain remembering what 2A01 tried to do last April Fool, the botched attempt to scare Mrs Sim
that day was the turning point for me
the best years of my life were with 2A01 and i needed the happy memories to get me through school, yet if i remember those days i could never make it through school emotionally
damned if i do and damned if i don't, which is what Catch 22 means.

so i turned bitter.
previously i had avoided meeting up with the class because, honestly, i envied them for going on in life while i remained, alone, stuck in the rut.
but that day i really turned bitter.
whatever evil thoughts i had about my friends, i accepted readily, and used the thoughts to blame everything around me instead of myself
i retreated from everything that defined my life to that point, God, BB, family and friends
i stopped going to church after that day
i stopped going back to help out in BB and made up excuses to the officers that were asking me to help out
i stopped visiting blogs and to catch up with my friends
and that bitterness grew and grew

previously when Lionel shared his misery i could control any flares of impatience because he was such a close friend and he had stood by me during my moments of doubt
but after that day, i just let my nastiness run wild
i accused him of whining when he shouldn't be, seeing he got into university and all
i ranted and raved and abused him verbally
eventually he stopped talking to me, and we have not spoken ever since
and i grew even more bitter inside

when i met up with Shirlene and Charlotte, i really craved for a bit of sympathy and more so, that old feelings of friendship we once shared
but my bitterness acted as a screen
and i begin to resent them
and my bitterness grew

i felt particularly bitter when Fiona and Charlotte invited me to their church
that point of time, i felt they were using me to boost their church numbers
but now, thinking back, God was reaching out to me through them
and so i rejected them and God's efforts to reach out to me
and my bitterness grew

Zhi Xian and I promised to help each other out since we're both retaking
and the bitterness inside me made me blame him as my NS was prolonged but not his
i stood him up, refused to lend a helping hand when he was obviously struggling to juggle both the demands of NS and studying
i verbally abused him for petty things from losing my locker lock to my xbox
i forced him to agree to pay if he messed up my xbox when i didnt really play it at all
eventually we too parted our ways
Zhi Xian, the guy who was always there when i'm alone, who reached out to me in J1 and in J2, a close friend who had done more for me than i ever did for him
my bitterness swallowed them all

i was not myself anymore
rambling and raving when i met up with anyone, especially with Claudia and Aqidah
the bitterness grew

soon everyone were repulsed by my bitterness, Lionel, Joel, Zhi Xian, Charlotte, Fiona, Claudia, Shirlene
i skipped school liberally, going to play LAN myself initially, to just staring into space at home
when my mother found out, i was initially remorseful, but went straight back to skipping school after a week
when my family goes out, i pretended to be studying and when they left, i just stared blankly out again

my history grade plummeted, i blamed Mr Yew
my GP grade disappeared, i blamed the school's anal marking
my maths grade remained the same, i blamed Mr Quek
it was me and my bitterness on one side, and everything else on the other side
it fed me and i fed it

until today, when i read Zhi Xian's blog for the first time in months did i realize what i had done
until today i begun to think clearly

and now its another Catch 22
if i don't patch up my relationships and make amends, i'd lose my friends forever
and if i do try to patch things up, those relationships would never be the same, and the bitterness would reclaimed me eventually and i might end up losing my friends again
but one thing is absolutely clear, it is, was, and would always be my fault

i'm sorry Lionel, for what i've done, especially when you'd taken great pains to help me in my misery
i'm sorry Zhi Xian, for standing you up and leaving you for dead when you needed my help and had always helped me in the past

thanks Aqidah, for being there for me throughout the year, even when i ignored you, you were still happy to help when i needed it
thanks Huda, you really did fill in the emotional gap for me in my darkest days this year
and thank you God, for giving me this moment of clarity

ironically, i'm feeling a similar twinge of pain this time, not of resentment but from being remorseful.
i know full well that i'd never again will have such great friends ever again, seeing i'd blown up all my bridges.
all i want now is to make it up somehow to those i've wronged in the past, and close this painful chapter of my life firmly shut behind me.

Fresh Start

2009-10-29T02:57:00.000-07:00

..............................and it's up and running again!
been wanting to restart but was too lazy, surprising huh .

In Memory of Ms G

2009-06-14T07:16:00.000-07:00

its so weird .

seeing someone you saw alive, breathing, moving, talking, laughing, scolding
just lie there, perfectly peaceful, perfectly serene, perfectly at ease, perfect
all the pain she must be suffering, all the trials and tribulations in her life, the peaks and pits and in the same sentence the victories, the triumphs, over life, over death, seem not to matter with the closing of her Life
yet her Life carries within and without us, everyone she had touched, no matter how briefly, would take turns passing on the torch that is her Life, either in remembering suddenly of her or a solemn gathering in the future to honor her memory.
we will all carry on her life through ours, and even though the initial exuberance and zeal may fade, even though the torch might dim, it will carry on burning still, for the amount of people she had touched will ensure there will be someone somewhere in the world thinking about her every second, as seen from the throngs of family, friends, students, teachers, people from church, people from everywhere.
she might be no Mother Theresa, no Lincoln, no Plath.
but her torch will always be lighted, when so many others have faded
her Faith, her Devotion, to God, to people that know her, will ensure that.

the public and private moments we shared,

-zhi xian, joel and i waited with her for her cab to bring her home and ms thiang walked by saying how she'd "only left you alone for a while and you got guys surrounding you already!"
-studying Beyonce in J1
-for encouraging me to believe in Life, when i poured out my pain, never knowing how insignificant it was to her pain, in our letters to her

our private memories, our public memories.

i'm proud to say i was touched by her, even though i may not matter in her life, she matters in mine.

From her blog:

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

God be praised! My Life is a MIRACLE.

Love the G-Thing these miraculous times!

and in more ways than one, her Life was indeed a miracle.

I look forward to joining you soon.

2009-05-12T06:04:00.000-07:00

been wanting to blog bout my army experience lasting a grand impressive total of 4 months so here goes:

NS Part 1 - Tekong:

Yeah, yeah, i know i'm PES E, so i shouldn't be worried or anxious or whatever as compared to the others but, after so long in the position when juniors must listen to you, found it weird to follow orders without brains again.

Plus the fact this is army, where a mistake does not only involves being shouted at, but a nice trip to a place we call DB. So that morning, woke up, wore the shittiest pair of jeans and a ratty t-shirt and went to pick up my grandmothers and my uncle. (Mum and sis were going Switzerland on the exact same day, talk bout irony)

I was trying to keep a blank mind all the way. Anyways, my body goes into hibernation mode when i'm in camp, when i don't eat much so as to prevent myself going toilet and all, even if i did, i would hold it till camp is over. So had a glass of hot red tea for breakfast and went to Pasir Ris.

Yadayadayada, tuck in shirt, yadayadayada, board ferry land at Tekong, yadayadayada, some reservist company staring at us while waiting to board tonner, yadayadayada, surrender IC, yadayadayada, watch some video, yadayadayada, go auditorium and sit properly(lol, blast from the past man), listen to the LTC talk VERY VERY friendlyly hahah, and line up outside and wait to be collected by family members.

Went to cookhouse to eat, and got forced fed a mega portion Tekong serves. To be honest, the only believable thing in Tekong is the food serving, what you see on the first day IS the amount you get everyday, if not more.

Fall in, and march(or walk) off to U Coy. It looked good, one of the newer blocks, 1 minute march or 30 sec walk to cookhouse, 2 minute march to jetty, 30 sec to spec canteen and emart. In fact, it was the best damn coy in Tekong, nice sea view(apart from the barbed wires on the beach) where the water was LIGHT BLUE, and during the nights we got to turn off the fans cause it was so bloody cold.

Only bother was i was in platoon 4, which is on the 5th floor, so we gotta haul ass like 10 mins before everyone else does. Bad news is, when we got to get something from the bunk, its 5 stories up and when we gotta go toilet, its 5 stories up again cause we can't dirty other platoons' toilets. Good thing is, during area cleaning, while the other 3 platoons need to sweep and clear the grounds besides their own bunks, we just needed to clean our own floor, which rocks cause we were just slacking around in bunk talking with sentries posted of course while the other platoons run around cleaning hahahah.

I've been to a few camps after Tekong, and trust me, for the normal soldier, Tekong food is the bomb! The best meal was this Christmas special, a whole spring chicken, fries, rice, steamed veg and mushroom soup. Damn, even i couldn't finish it. Anyways, i kinda got indigestion in Tekong, eating so much while doing nothing physical. Breakfast at 7 plus, lunch at 11 plus, dinner at 5 plus and supper at 8 plus haha. Had to skip meals in the end and for the first time in a camp, used the toilet VERY frequently.

Well, besides lectures and stand-by area, we didn't do much. The typical day was after breakfast, stand-by area at 9, lecture at 9.30, stand-by area again till lunch and so on. Besides the drug talk by someone from MINDEF and the aviva life insurance thing by a old hokkien soldier who, in EVERY sentence, is KNN, CCB and so on. We were splitting our sides in laughter seriously.

Oh yeah, buzz cut was interesting, and thank god i planted my ass where the male barber was cutting, cause the female barbers were seriously godawful. Went to have our first bath after that. And we were given our respective kits immediately, like i got the airforce stuff, and the army guys got their number 3. Man, looking at the uniformed companies in their number 4 and then you see this bunch of quasi-marching-walking company in admin attire, with so many different colors and you can cringe man. And there were like at least 10 guys walking behind cause they are not medically cleared for marching.

And the customary injections were funny too, one side for tetanus, the other side can't remember and one dose of oral polio vaccine. When the medic normally ask recruits on drug allergies, only one or two would raise their hands. When you ask a PES E company, well... More than half of U Coy raised their hands. The poor medic gave up resolving one by one and wrote in down on a piece of paper and collating the results before going back to the MO and getting all the medics to search on the various drugs we take and possible conflicts with the vaccines. Took like an hour at least before the actual injection. And sigh, while we were waiting, one of the older batches were marching along with their SAR, and all we could do is watch cause we can never touch one.

And now for my platoon. We had the most demanding SGTs, only one was more humane, but we were the best platoon man. There was a basic drill session for us, and we were like so good till we ended up learning army songs while waiting for the other platoons. And the second session, after some marching, our SGTs taught us a taunt and march us around to taunt the other platoons hahahahah. Damn fun. We had the only 2 Navy guys in my bunk, and one of them does like 3 sets of 20 pull-ups each throughout the day and compete with other guys from my platoon in pushups. My platoons had the most smokers too, which was a good thing cause they would hide in the toilet cubicle to smoke and clean up the toilet themselves after that. And when we do area cleaning, we'd just sweep it down the stairs, and the other platoons will do the same, ending with platoon 1 getting yelled at by our platoon SGT hahah. But, we were whacked the most too, once we got complacent while marching to cookhouse, and the SGT made us march round and round the parade square in front of the other platoons and other companies, freaking embarrassing.

Anyway, most of the guys in my company aren't physically unfit, just some odd conditions like hole in the heart, low IQ, punctured lung and so on. And its funny when the SGTs ask us to hurry, so we started running and you hear this SGT shouting "EH DONT RUN! YOU GUYS CANT RUN!" and things like that.

Technically, we were supposed to book out on the 6th day, but they really had nothing else for us so we could book out on the 5th day's afternoon. Our OC was long gone by then hahah. So, at 11, we falled in for the last time, wearing our Number 3 for the first time, and marched to the jetty. Which reminds me, Viper coy, just next to us, who were there before us, were literally staring at us when we left before them. Our PCs and SGTs were already in civvies, so it was really strolling to the jetty. Took a bus back to Pasir Ris from the jetty, shared a cab home with my bunk mates, bought 5 bucks worth of chicken rice and was relaxing at home by 5pm.

Tekong was boring for us, we couldn't do this, couldn't do that and spent the days standing by bunk. Ah well .

Missing

2009-04-15T07:06:00.000-07:00

i miss how sometimes i would bump into joel at kovan mrt's bus stop or marian near the zebra crossing .
the long walks up to school is so much easier with someone i know .

i miss how when i go to the lockers to dump or get stuff, vanessa is already there, someone to wave to and brighten my day .

i miss how when i go to A2-1 to cool down under the fans, shirlene would know where to find me and join me .

i miss how lionel would also know where to find us, and he's almost always sad when he comes to school in the morning with his dour face .

i miss how joel would swagger towards us with his iPod plugged in, before breaking in a grin followed by a "What's up bitches?!"

i miss how charlotte would come with her huge crumpler bag, and always carry something with her .
and how she would go "Bloop bloop!" or something random and when you give her the queer look, she'd just mumble or go "Heh."
and how when the short J1 walk pass, we'd nudge her and laugh .

i miss how fiona would always carry something cute with her, which we would proceed to squeeze the object while she protests with a "EHH!" and snatch the object back .

i miss how when we assemble, sarah would already be sitting at the side of the assembly grounds, waiting for yanni or aqidah to come .

i miss how when assembly is about to start, marian or joyce or aisyah would come pelting down to join the class before the anthem begins .
and how shawn is "in the toilet"

i miss how joel and i would diss and make fun of the J1 councillers when they do annoucements .

i miss seeing zhi xian always carrying a clearly overstuffed bag, shoebag and lots of books and saying hi to practically the whole school with "Ehhhh...!" or "OMG!" and stuff like that .

i miss how when we go to A2-1, yanni, sarah and aqidah would already be seated at the tables near the door .
and how steph, mai and cheryl sit at the table near the teacher's table .

i miss how mai would always look so dead tired with her huge eyebags and stoned expression .

i miss how joel would run into class with a iced tea and apple lattice before class starts .
and how joyce would almost always be carrying a hot drink in .

i miss how cheryl would always be slightly late too, preoccupied with council stuff, with her bag slung on one shoulder and carrying the largest stack of files and books around for the whole day .

i miss how when someone from musical walks past, yuen, haniel, rebecca usually and we'd wave frantically with a "Hi!!"

i miss how steph always sits at the same tables near Good News, munching on something from home with her iPod plugged in .
and mai's Dora the Explorer lunchbox .
and shirlene would be nibbling at her food .
and how shawn would come and ask "What's that?" before taking a drink or a bite from someone's food even though he had just did that to another guy beside us .

i miss how in the canteen when someone stands up to return the plates or get a drink, everyone would just ask the guy to help them return or help them get a drink .

i miss how 2A01 would always be at the first in the LTs, dump our bags, get food and return to eat inside .
and how we fool around with the mike .

i miss how we would force zhi xian to call or run to the office to turn on the aircon in the LTs with "Go enthu go!" and volunteering him for everything .

i miss randomly calling people to disturb them during lectures or send them messages and when they turn, mouth "Hi." across the row .

i miss disturbing lionel or he disturbing me with our randomness during lectures, when we would give each other the queer look and go "Okaaayyyy..."
and how during history lectures we would all pester joel for Wonka Nerds or Mentos he brings to every lecture .

i miss during Econs lecture we would suddenly be all focused and dilligently copying down notes when we hear Mrs Sim walk down the aisle .

i miss how during PE, lionel and i would be helping Mr Yong do his admin work and weighing ouselves when we walk past the PE office .

i miss how when its time for thursday assembly, someone would always be without a tie .

i miss how we would take up the space of two classes in the hall .

i miss how everyone would ask each other whats there to do for tomorrow at the lockers before we leave .
and how leo always gets poked then .

i miss how i'd walk out with joel, or with claudia, or with a group of us going to kovan/hougang to eat .

i miss how everyone would always help me up, or help me pick something up .

i miss the red chair in RR .

i miss Mr Goh .

i miss Ms Thiang .

i miss Ms G .

i miss 2A01'08 .

musings

2009-04-11T10:35:00.000-07:00

i dont know whats wrong with me .
urgh .

talking bout randomness, Ms Chew takes the cake .
was listening in to her consultation with my new classmates and we were talking about P&P .
alphonso was talking about how his ideas sometimes are only understandable to him or something like that when Ms Chew mused abruptly about how fish swims to the surface when it rains for a massage .

cue crickets and the shit .

and whilst we stared at her ...

"And those fishes that like a stronger massage goes nearer to the surface while those that dont swim lower."

and amidst our continued silence, she mentioned how she thought the fishes allocate a spot in the pond where the sun shines particulary brightly as the "spa corner" since its so nice and warm .

you gotta love school sometimes ...

P.S:

haha, just remembered. Addison was teaching bout Plath and how the Medusa is a symbol of feminine power when Hanniel said something about how can Medusa be a symbol of feminine power when she has a head of phallic symbols ?
heard Addison blushed from her neck upwards at one point .
i'd love to be in that tutorial =))

going back to school

2009-03-29T07:31:00.000-07:00

going back to school tomorrow .
no friends, no familiar faces .
in a new uniform .
AND WITH MATHS AS THE FIRST LESSON .

May God have mercy on my soul ...

Four Year Strong-Bada Bing Wit A Pipe

2009-03-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bluR5vXh_8

Four Year Strong - Bada Bing Wit A Pipe

Roll with the punches
Because you know that it's inevitable
Soon to be unforgettable, yet, totally unpredictable
I'm either calling it quits or you're calling me out
Its not who or what you know because you're better with nothing at all.

Sing it back to me; this is your life story
You didn't even know it you're trying not to blow it
Because you're kicking back a death wish and here I am just riding out the storm
Believe me when I say that I want to give up
I want to give up but its bad enough to keep me hooked
just to watch you curse my name and toss and turn

Turn around and cross the line you so casually walk between function and fashion
Are you dressed to kill or dressed to impress?
Don't act like you can do better than this.

Let me see you put your hands upon the stereo
Its spitting out a ridiculous frequency
But turn it up turn it up
Break a sweat
Cause were just burning up and hitting up the scene that was ours to hit up
Take take me out because I'm ready for your best shot
Make make me out to be a bullet from the pulpit
Or anything that would make you believe
All that we've seen would be just another scene
That was our to hit up

Play it back for me, if you feel you've got to
Do you want to call it intuition
Cause after intermission we'll be flashing the house lights
To let you know that we're back in action
Simply for your satisfaction

Turn around and cross the line you so casually walk between function and fashion
Are you dressed to kill or dressed to impress?
Don't act like you can do better than this

Turn around and cross the line you so casually walk between function and fashion
Are you dressed to kill or dressed to impress?
Don't act like you can do better than this

Let me see you put your hands upon the stereo
Its spitting out a ridiculous frequency
But turn it up turn it up
Break a sweat
Cause were just burning up and hitting up the scene that was ours to hit up
Take take me out because I'm ready for your best shot
Make make me out to be a bullet from the pulpit
Or anything that would make you believe
All that we've seen would be just another scene
That was our to hit up

Roll with the punches
Because you know that it's inevitable
Soon to be unforgettable, we're either calling it quits or you're calling me out
Its not who or what you know because you're better with nothing at all.

Roll with the punches
(you're better with nothing at all.)
Roll with the punches

Let me see you put your hands upon the stereo
Its spitting out a ridiculous frequency
But turn it up turn it up
Break a sweat
Cause were just burning up and hitting up the scene that was ours to hit up

Take take me out because I'm ready for your best shot
Make make me out to be a bullet from the pulpit
Or anything that would make you believe
All that we've seen would be just another scene
That was our to hit up

sigh.

2009-03-23T07:48:00.000-07:00

2A03 2009 .

The bad thing is - its kate addison's class .
the bad thing is - even people from the class told me its a bad class to be in .
the good thing is - i've already have experience being a loner and loser so its pretty easy for me to assume that role again .
the good thing is - Mrs Christina Tan and Mr Yew are my teachers !

its gonna be one hell of a year ...

Retaining

2009-03-06T06:29:00.001-08:00

RETAINING. WOOTS !

dreams

2009-02-27T08:58:00.000-08:00

sometimes,
i would have dreams about my children.
once, it was 3 girls.
then it was 4 boys.
then it was a set of identical twin girls and a fraternal twin boys.
then it was adopting 8 children.

and when i wake up, i'd usually end up lying in bed and pretending that the kids are running around outside or pestering me to wake up.

and its during these mornings that i can almost feel someone lying beside me, breathing softly.

and when i finally wake up, i know the day would suck.

when i daydream, my mind wanders to how to best fit my children in my house.
the boys in the biggest room?
and would the girls need a attached bathroom?
should the baby sleep with us?
or in a nursery?

should i make them go to the same school?
or let them have a choice from the start?

should i interfere in their choice of CCA too?
or let them do what they want?

should i be strict over their boyfriends or girlfriends?

should i be stricter with the boys or the girls or all of them?

would my girls grow up to break boys' hearts?
or get rejected again and again.

and please let my boys be nothing like their useless dad.

the sad, sad fact is that.

i would never get to make this choices.

in fact i dont even know why am i thinking so hard and planning so hard,

when all it does is raise my hopes.

hopes that comes crashing down everytime i wake up.

sigh ...

f-ed up

2009-02-21T06:13:00.000-08:00

at the first opportunity, i'm going to buy a wicked computer, buy a few dozen games, and not go out or bother bout anyone unless my family forces me to attend some family function.
i'm unplugged from the world, and it sucks.
but going into hermit-mode with decent games is a prospect i'm salivating over .

2009-01-28T04:15:00.001-08:00

recently heard on radio:

Women - don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and is still alive .

PATSON IS FLYING SOLO FROM 2100 ONWARDS TOMORROW .

P.S: HE SINCERELY REGRETS ANY INCONVENIENCES CAUSED TO BRAVO PLATOON .

2009-01-28T04:13:00.001-08:00

NUTS .

shit .

2009-01-06T19:23:00.000-08:00

got tagged by fiona.
DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS DONE ON A WHIM AND DUE TO THE WRITER BEING SEVERELY BORED. ANY COINCIDENCES ARE REGRETTED. SORRY FIONA QUEK.

1. i've reached a heavy weight of 82 KG maximum before! (not that i'm proud of it, wait, actually i am cause it makes my weight now a very significant acheivement. and it was right before J1 can you believe it?! oh wait, i was a couch potato then so yes, you CAN believe it.)

2. i've a secret love for ants.

3. i tend to get attracted to ants, red ants especially.

4. i have a very bad habit of stepping on ants and forgetting to say sorry to their mothers at times.

5. long distance travelling used to make me happy but i still enjoy them now. gives me time for myself to imagine that i'm Thomas the tank engine from Thomas and his friends.

6. i dream of Dora the Explora (thats how they pronouce 'explorer')

7. i'm still reading the whole series of Hello Kitty and Teletubbies Save the World from Mr-giggling-baby-faced-sun-infected-with-furbies books

8. im a better talker than listener. it makes me happy to share things about me that people really dont want to know and knowing that they can be mentally and emotionally traumatized with my darkest secrets.

9. but sometimes i have difficulty in trying to stop stepping on ants because of that. i tend to try to pickle them for snacks. am still figuring the best technique to pickle ants.

10. ask poor fiona quek (i'm really sorry!)

11. i Love to eat food and drink water more than spaghetti and evian. and i love brownies and girl scouts much more than girls brigade.

12. i've got a stitch in my side! from laughing too hard when typing this post.

13. i've got a huge admiration for ants especially the ones living in my house right now (you sneaky bastards! where did my crumbs of cookie go! i was saving them for later!)

14. when we were younger, my sister and i used to fight so much that we would end up watching Power Rangers: Dino Thunder.

15. when i was around 10ish to 14ish, i was in primary 5ish to sec 2ish

16. i like the idea of going out and having fun but havent really gotten dressed to.

17. am in Love with ants and the ant colony of Block 7 Beside-Patson's-bed-somewhere-behind-the-cupboard who have remained elusive to me since i moved in. i'd get you guys some day!

18. i used to look up to the sky and try to stare at the sun. and then i decided to be smarter with myself. The sun kept burning my retinas. so i settled on counting ants instead.

WITH APOLOGIES (SORRY FIONA QUEK)

2009

2008-12-31T06:53:00.000-08:00

Happy 2009 !

urgh .

Airforce One

2008-12-21T02:49:00.000-08:00

Purple light, in the valley,
That is where, i want to be,
Infantry, best companion,
With my rifle and my buddy and me

SOC, sibei jialat,
IPPT, lagi worse,
Everyday, doing PT,
With my rifle and my buddy and me

Booking out, to see my girlfriend,
Saw her with, another man,
Killed the man, raped my girlfriend,
With my rifle and my buddy and me

ROD, back to study,
Got degree, so happy,
Can't forget, still remember,
My rifle and my buddy and me

Purple light, at the warfront,
That is where, my buddy lies,
If i die, would you bury me,
With my rifle and my buddy and me

Recruit S T Goh, S9046555D, Airforce
BMTC School 2
Ulysses Company
Platoon 4
Section 3
Bed 12

Birthday/Chalet Post

2008-12-14T04:50:00.000-08:00

dated 7 december 2008 .

1. Birthday

the worst birthday ever .
it was a total guilt trip, especially so since my dad bought me a watch .
he just said go in and take a look since he knew i was thinking of getting one .
then he just asked for a day and date watch which i mentioned in passing, asked me to try it, and just bought that damn thing on the spot .
i was just totally speechless, and i didn't know how to stop him .
sigh, i really hope he can take my retaining well .
everyone is still expecting i would pull another miracle like my O levels, where we were all prepared for me to enter ITE .
like i said before, my parents were probably the only ecstatic ones that their child entered SR out of my whole class .
so naturally, i didn't dare ask for a nice place for dinner, yet didn't know how to decline, and ended up pissing my mum off .
eventually had dinner in sunset way, some very nice steak place where i enjoyed myself anyways hahah .
had this complimentary veal tongue .
and it was REALLY good .
yeah, it sounds disgusting, eating the tongue of a possibly 3 month old calf .
for the record, it tasted like really tender beef .
so anyways, the whole day was a total guilt trip .

P.S: My mum mentioned to my dad in passing that i might be retaining. she said he looked sad. f**k .

Coming of Age

2008-12-04T08:41:00.001-08:00

Emperor JianwenPope Julius IIShogun Ashikaga YoshiakiMartin Van Buren, 8th President of the USAAnastasio ("Tachito") Somoza Debayle, 73rd & 76th President of NicaraguaGeneral George Armstrong CusterAdmiral of the Fleet John Rushworth Jellicoe, 1st Earl JellicoeGeneralfeldmarschall Ferdinand SchörnerNobel Laureate Carl Ferdinand CoriNobel Laureate Werner HeisenbergNobel Laureate Cecil Frank PowellWalter Elias DisneyKing of Thailand, Rama IX, Bhumibol AdulyadejPrince Konstantin-Assen of Bulgaria, Prince of VidinJohn Rzeznik, Frontman of the Goo Goo Dolls..

and lots of poets, writers, football players .

wow, i'm 18 .

like finally, goddamnit .

Songs .

2008-11-19T07:17:00.000-08:00

hahah, blog's been looking too emo for my liking, and i'm going to post something else instead .

just wanted to say thanks for your support guys (and gals), really appreciated it .

thanks for reaching out and for standing by me (Shirlene and Charlott) , even though you dont have to (Claudia) , and more importantly, thanks for knocking some sense into me (especially Lionel) and reasoning accurately ( thanks Zhi Xian) .

....i dont really know what to say actually, would like to keep my thoughts to myself for now, so all i can say is thanks people, for letting me know that i'm not alone and i would never be .

_____________________________________________________

And to break the emo-ness, i'd introduce songs instead .

i know, i know, there are rap and trance songs in the list, but do try them, cause i'm a fervent rock guy (well, at least i used to be) but these songs are just so ...

ah well, here's the list .

ROCK

[better start with this hahah .]

1. Gotta Be Somebody - Nickelback
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2rZ8Y1yY64

2. Lost - Coldplay
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYDOWGlPDTU

3. I Caught Myself - Paramore
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtcRB2cnJc4

4. Decode - Paramore
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvnkAtWcKYg

5. Rule The World - Take That
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8ClzqUq9kg&feature=related

6. Save You - Simple Plan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXT7iY2DgVo

7. Seventeen Forever - Metro Station
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CD4U7rZwFA

8. About A Girl - The Academy Is
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMx132bwkH8

9. Some Sense Of Security - Saosin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aS5vyOnBLJA

10. 1-2-3-4 (I Love You) - Plain White T's
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9u3c65LHIY

R&B/RAP/I-DONT-REALLY-KNOW-WHATS-ITS-CALLED

[its all by T.I (NOT our calculator brand), started exploring his songs since stumbling upon Whatever You Like. Not really into the lyrics but the beat is awesome .]

1. Live Your Life - T.I feat Rihanna
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqQS5o4Khag

2. No Matter What - T.I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvkQU95BbmE

3. Big Things Poppin' - T.I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nJKLU1NcCo

TRANCE

[okay, okay, the genre which everyone hates. Even the DJ called one of them the 'Ah Beng song of the year'. You dont really have a choice actually, the first song on my blog is that song ahahah .]

1. Just Dance - Lady GaGa
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lHnhV9NfL8

2. Poker Face - Lady GaGa
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMx132bwkH8

___________________________________________________

i'm sorry for the mess of links but most of the songs are either too new or too restricted to source and put into the songs in my site. I'd try to get them in as soon as possible for all you lazybums (or those who are really interested *waves to the 2 people who accidentally entered my blog*) but its more for myself hahah .

Daydreams

2008-11-10T01:37:00.000-08:00

A daydream:

Swiped my ez-link card at the barrier, thank God i made it in time for the train. Purple line as usual. Platform was crowded though, normal school morning rush. Waited patiently at the back of the crowd and managed to find a seat, middle row, beside the wheelchair area facing the platform(where the exit is right in front of the escalators at kovan). Settled in for a long journey.

The train did not stop though(whizzing past every station like the part between potong pasir and serangoon station). Napped as long as i could, before i suddenly realised it was really a long journey. Suddenly, the person beside me striked up a conversation and then the one opposite me joined in too. Thats how i met Joel and Lionel. And as our conversation got more animated, the guy sitting at the couple seat in the corner facing my row joined in too. And thats how i met Zhi Xian. And it suddenly struck me that the whole carriage i was in, actually the whole train, was starting to get noisy; everyone was talking. The train journey was weirdly long, as though it like some cross country train, not the purple line. But as our conversation included or joined other groups in my carriage(Shirlene, Charlotte, Leo, Fiona, Claudia) it was rather fun. I for one, had never been so deeply engaged in conversation with anyone before. And soon, the whole carriage was talking and laughing together; all of us laughed at Shawn's antics down the other side of the carriage; played some games; changed seats to better talk with those we're closer to. But i remained where i was, with Joel and Lionel not moving too, but Shirlene and Charlotte had now moved to sit beside Lionel.

It was really really fun and i was wondering why this train journey is so unique when the train finally stopped at a station. I was kinda shocked actually, wasn't expecting the stop at all. And suddenly the whole carriage turned silent as people started to leave. There were some sad goodbyes, but we all said we would keep in touch. Huda and Lim Woan walked towards the right, went up the escalators where a group of people were waiting for them, while Tabitha took the lift on the left.

And the train carried on soon after. It was sad for a while but we all started talking again. Debating, playing, arguing, laughing, man, i never wanted it to end. I was starting to wish this train would never stop. I mean, i've made friends when i never had any, and they were, by all accounts the best bunch of people around. For the first time in my life, i was enjoying a train trip, and unwilling to nap in case i missed anything.

Then the annoucement annouced we were arriving at the next station. For some reason, the station looked like the Farrer Park station's interior, but i can't see the sign. And suddenly, everyone in the carriage got up and started to leave. I thought that this stop was like the last one, where only a few would get out and some would stay. it suddenly dawned on me that everyone was leaving. But this wasn't my stop, i knew. I just couldn't get up. And so i sat there, smiling, hugging and waving to those who were leaving. And i watched as the people, the friends i had made leaving in a group, laughing and talking animatedly as they went up the escalator. I was all alone. There wasn't anyone else in the carriage. And all i could do was watch as the train door closed with the usual beeping warning and started pulling away. I dont't know what is the next stop or which is my stop. And my last concious act was to struggle hard to see my friends one last time as they went up the escalator. It was sad, no doubt, but i knew that it was too late to walk out already. What, hit the emergency stop button? And so i sat alone, as the blackness of the tunnel started to whizz by again. On my favourite seat, in the carriage nearest to the exit at Kovan station.

___________________________________________________________

Had this weird and really vivid daydream this morning on the train. There wasn't a single student though, i was the only student on the bus and train this morning. And weirdly enough i couldn't fall asleep like usual, and instead had this daydream. Haha, the daydream was accurate though, i only wrote one page for lit today. Is it just me, or is it really hard? Cause i can't write anything, try as i might.

Night people .

About A Girl

2008-10-31T02:01:00.000-07:00

i'm retaining .

_____________________________________________________________

never really liked The Academy Is...
been wanting to type bout her for quite a while .
heard this song on radio .
cant find it anywhere .
surfing Youtube .
found the song .
by The Academy Is...
and it turns out to totally describes my pain and confusion over her .

The Academy Is... : About A Girl

One song about a girl
I can't breathe when I'm around her
I'll wait here everyday
In case she'll scratch the surface
She'll never notice

{everytime i see her, my heart rate doubles, and the ache starts...really cant breathe around her...but she'll never notice me...}

I'm not in love
This is not my heart
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a girl

{everytime i think bout her, i'd try to convince myself that she would never like me, and that i was wasting my time and energies...but when i see her again, i fell back into love...}

Last night I knew what to say
But you weren't there to hear it
These lines so well rehearsed
Tongue tied and overloaded
You never notice

{will you ever notice me?...}

I'm not in love
This is not my heart
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a girl

{no, i shouldnt be wasting my time over something thats impossible...}

I'm not in love
This is not your song
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a girl

To be loved, to be loved
What more could you ask for
To be loved, to be loved
Everyone wants
To be loved, to be loved
What more could you ask for
To be loved, to be loved
Everyone...

{do you know how many people are in love with you?}

I'm not in love
This is not my heart
I'm not gonna waste these words

I'm not in love
This is not my heart
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a girl

I'm not in love
This is not your song
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a girl

remember watching shows were someone cradles a baby and says he or she would be a heartbreaker someday?

i understand it now .

i did try, i stayed away, i avoided you, i talked to other girls, i tried to stare at my eyecandies only...

but everytime i accidentally glance at you, i fell back into love .

and the cycles repeat again .

i'm sorry .

but you're just too perfect ...

Light at the end of the Tunnel

2008-10-24T07:16:00.000-07:00

y'know, next time i talk bout hair, remind me to talk botak .

The Light at the End of the Tunnel:

nobody really believes me when i tell them i have'nt even started studying for As .
its hard to believe too, its insane actually .
but i'm not insane, just lazy .
and yes, i really have not started studying yet, and i dont lie about such stuff .
but its good to see people working .
yeah, duh, i feel kinda sad but i'm not going to play devil's advocate and make them retain .

i dont think i have a problem with history, especially if i aint studying some other subject .
i'd be treating lit as a test of where my level is in the actual As so i can plan what to do next year .
econs is totally gone, this week was supposed to be devoted to econs yet when i come school to study, i'm either sleeping or leaving by 1 to play LAN all by myself haha .
maths, duh, start working on it next year .
gp aint a problem .
so my best prospects ?
60 points .
worse ?
40ish i hope .
in any case, i'm really hoping that once you fail one H2(econs), i can retain .

i used to feel really pressured by my relatives, all below ten pointers except me .
thank God for my parents, they're fairly more successful compared to the other uncles and aunties so i'm shielded for now .
sure, people will do the typical auntie thing, but honestly, i wish i could give a damn .
after hearing bout the RJC principal, i kinda realised that life is not all about your early mugging years .
so what if you made it through at "normal" speed, if you're going to be stuck in the cubicle everyday or end up doing something that totally bores you when you're only in it for the money .
how would the "normal" speed graduates feel when someone who retains and repeats ends up as their employer .
sucky .
at least if i end up like that, i deserve to .
but if you mug and cram and end up like me, LOL .

i guess Life is more than money and good living .
most people want either recognition or wealth or both .
sure, i wont mind wealth and i kinda crave recognition but whats the point ?
all of us end up together in heaven where there isnt any need for wealth nor recognition .

i know more than a few who set their sights on a mercedes, lambo, BMW....
some others set their sights on a huge house, or a jetsetting job .
for me, i'm very very contented with a condo, cause i need the pool to help my condition and i'm bloody lazy to just pop by the local swimming complex and any car, as long as it works fine .
condo may be a bit far for my laziness to attain but i wouldnt die without it .
a car, who knows, when the oil runs dry, everyone is forced onto the public transport system anyways .

i guess the only reason why money is important to me now is for my parents whom i need to support and a family if i have one .
but i dont think i'd have a family, so its just my parents i'm worried about .

its just this zen stage i'm in right now, could be denial or could be that i've finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel .
having my own family used to be my top priority in life, but looking at my condition at only 18, i shudder to think what i would be like at 30 .
so now, my priority is serving God and the community .
just take the years on earth like a man and who knows, God might "parole" me and let me up earlier .
my absolute dream job now is being a international social worker, travelling to war torn or disaster ridden locations and help out .
apart from the nagging worry of having my head sawn off by extremists .
if not, i'd just work with the elderly .
i dont really like taking care of kids, i cant keep up anyways and the plight of the elderly is very close to my heart .
its just the language(s) barrier thats holding me back .
and finally, being a teacher isnt a bad option .
but if i cant teach in a JC, forget it, teaching is out .

talking bout teaching, Mark Wong's story also kinda revealed Life to me .
he studied in a poly, went overseas to do a degree i think and returned eventually to get a degree in history .
sure, he might be a few years late but he's exactly where the other teachers are, who mostly breezed through JC and formed the elite in Uni .
Mr Wong showed me that passion conquers all .
he struggled very badly with his original choice of specialisation but when he studied history, his passion propelled him forward .
if i'm not wrong, he did the American Civil War and logistics of the 100 year war so something .
and for me, i would very much like to do Nazi Propaganda and the transition from swords to muskets, which i have a huge curiosity in but cant find the relevant articles .
hopefully, my closet nazism and weird curiosity would be enough passion to help me .

so, thanks to a few really inspirational figures (God might have a role in this), i'd realised that 1., Life is more than the initial years of mugging and 2., theres another Life, the everlasting one that makes our present existence seem like nothing .
and i would really like to undergo the shame and humiliation, so i can have a richer experience of the underdogs .
hopefully, the time of testing would temper me into a better person .
both my parents retained, my mum in primary 6 and my dad in sec 3 .
both went on to be the most successful among their siblings .
so what if i retain, so what if i'm dumb .
so what if i dont rise above everyone else ?
as long as i'm contented with my Life, and God is happy with me, screw everything else .

the only pressing worry i have now is how i'm going to endure being with another class after 2A01 .
plus i'm going to be like a third party, the J1 bond is now tempered after a year together .
i'm going to hide in the library but what about tutorials ?
will they shun me ?
and how stupid and useless will i then look, when none of my friends knows my condition and help me to get by school are there anymore ?
would i still dare sit in the comfy red chair in Lit ?
can i force myself up without help and struggle to right my posture without being noticed ?
sigh .
i dont mind if they ignore me but i dont want to be laughed at or stared at .
and i have a gut feeling that 2A01 2008 is the only class with the best mix of innocence and understanding .
2A01 2009 however is just a repeat of my nightmare class in sec 3 and 4 .
damn .
just got to grit my teeth and struggle through i guess .

2A01 2008 .
i really hope you all will make it .
cause if any class deserve to make it, its you guys .
sure, we might be lazy and emo and beng and minah and goth and bimbo(s) and so on .
but every single one of you have the purest heart and intention without any pretension .
i really hope that in my darkest days next year, i can have the chance to hear and count upon your successes .
i mean, if you guys dont make it, man, something is screwed up up there .
and maybe, just maybe, one day, i can rejoin the successes of 2A01 2008, and finally rediscover the one place and the one company that i truly, truly felt at home with .
i'd never forget the best 2 years of my Life, and being in the presence of the best damn people i know .

Thanks Joel, oft partner-in-crime, without your humor and wit, *shudders*
-My ROFL kinfe so slaec slaec slaec, your mum, no you, sad face, LOLLOLLLOLLOOL.
-Fluffy, DAMN !

Thank you Lionel. For sitting beside me and knowing that i can go loopy sometimes while being loopy yourself too.
-Bitch, Slut, Whore, Prostitute, Strumpet, Geisha.
-"hurhurhur, i got ink on my thumb, hurhurhur".
-*inches away from patson*

Thanks Charlotte, for being downright irratic or serious when we need it. And sorry for all the times i annoyed and grief-ed you. i know i'm a bastard sometimes(and i'm sorry for it). And thank God you're in my PW team man. Oh, your massages too, even though it lasts for the whole of 5 mins hahah.

Thanks Shirlene, for all the food firstly, and all the times you helped me. Although i'm still more thankful for the food hahah. Oh yeah, thanks for always helping me up!

And thank you, all four of you, for giving me a place in your group when i was drifting around. For someone who never stayed with a same group for long before, its a testimony of how great you guys are as friends, if i could hang out with you all for so long and stay.

Thank you Leo, for being the few who can shoot me down and for all the memories of us dancing together for the college dance in class orientation and for the first few months of school. I'm sorry that we drifted apart though, which is entirely my fault.

THANK YOU CLAUDIA, for without someone who is bimbotic enough to irritate me, i wouldnt have derived so much entertainment and enhance my sarcasm ever. Hahah, okay okay, i'm sorry and i did try to stop. But you're just too....urgh most of the times for me to take it. Sorry though, you can laugh at me in return when you go uni.

Thanks Fiona, if there was one person i'm sure God sent, its you. Thanks for being there especially in the spiritual department and for showing me that Faith and Devotion is very possible to achieve.

And a big thanks to you three, for supporting me especially last year. And thanks for listening to all my woes and worries!

Thanks Steph, for all the times you really tried to help me in maths. And i'm really sorry for dozing off on our bus trips home, cant help it hahah.

Thanks Cheryl, for the trust you have in me for history. I'm really sorry if i misguided you in history hahah.

Thanks Mai, for teaching this pseudo UG leader commands and all. Oddly, when i think of you, i get this image of a wise owl.

And thanks to you three, for being the most innocent, genuine and talented people i have ever met!

Thanks Marian, for PW and for sharing with me stuff that is present in our class.

Thanks Aisyah, for being one of the few people who can shoot me down too. And for really trying to help me!

Thanks Joyce, for introducing me to the vampire books, got alot of techniques from there. And also for sharing with me stuff that is present in our class.

And thank you, all three of you for showing me that not all "matured" people are intimidating and elite, for all of you too, have the purest of hearts.

Thanks Zhi Xian, for introducing me to YHope, and for all the times you helped me. I'm sorry, cause i was a bastard to you many a times, even though you still helped me when i needed help. Really hope i have the opportunity to see you being accepted for who you are, cause you're not bad, just misunderstood.

Thanks Shawn, for entertaining the rest of us, and for showing maturity beyond any of us sometimes. And also for showing not all sports people are elite too.

Thanks you James, for entertaining endlessly too. All i can say is, have fun in divers lol.

And thank you, the CS team(Joel too), for all the times we had at the LAN shop, the accidental teamkills("Oops." "F**K YOU JAMES!") and the time we ganged ZX and knifed him. Thanks for guiding me especially in DOTA, for enduring my total noobiness and being farmed by the enemy. Seriously, i never laughed so much while playing LAN or be happy even if i got lowest frag. I never have so much fun with any other friends in LAN, period. LAN after Lit paper? LOL

To Yanni, i can only say sorry for ostracizing you, last year especially, i dont know why i did it and i'm sorry for it.

Thanks Sarah, for spurring me on in GP and History, if not, i'd would have been really complacent.

And finally thank you Aqidah, for all the memories we had, and i'm really really sorry for my erratic behaviour, and for hurting you so much. It wasnt intentional, and i still have no idea why.

All in all, i cant express fully how much gratitude i have to be in A1, to be amidst all of you. I'm sorry if i left out any apologies and things i should thank you guys for, its just that i'm really overwhelmed by all the memories i have, and i can only pick out the ones i remember now. I'm just really really thankful i'm in A1 man.

damn, i'm really going to miss you guys .

emo hair

2008-10-09T09:06:00.001-07:00

just thinking bout hair, and i know its quite impossible by prom, but i really want my hair to be uber long in front, brutally short behind like sloped and moderate at the side. yeah, it might sound emo but i like it cause:

1. i'm bloody lazy and all i need to do is anyhow spike my hair at the back and i'm done,
2. i think it fits my frame? (not too sure bout that)

not that kind of emo in the pic but roughly that kind of hair.

so whaddya think? what sort of hairstyle should i have?

You're Gonna Go Far, Kid

2008-10-08T21:09:00.000-07:00

You're Gonna Go Far, Kid
The Offspring

Show me how to lie
You’re getting better all the time
And turning all against the one
Is an art that’s hard to teach
Another clever word
Sets off an unsuspecting herd
And as you get back into line
A mob jumps to their feet

Now dance, f**ker, dance
Man, he never had a chance
And no one even knew
It was really only you

And now you steal away
Take him out today
Nice work you did
You’re gonna go far, kid

With a thousand lies
And a good disguise
Hit ‘em right between the eyes
Hit ‘em right between the eyes
When you walk away
Nothing more to say
See the lightning in your eyes
See ‘em running for their lives

Slowly out of line
And drifting closer in your sights
So play it out I’m wide awake
It’s a scene about me
There’s something in your way
And now someone is gonna pay
And if you can’t get what you want
Well it’s all because of me

Now dance, f**ker, dance
Man, I never had a chance
And no one even knew
It was really only you

And now you’ll lead the way
Show the light of day
Nice work you did
You’re gonna go far, kid
Trust, deceived!

With a thousand lies
And a good disguise
Hit ‘em right between the eyes
Hit ‘em right between the eyes
When you walk away
Nothing more to say
See the lightning in your eyes
See ‘em running for their lives

Now dance, f**ker, dance
He never had a chance
And no one even knew
It was really only you

So dance, f**ker, dance
I never had a chance
It was really only you

With a thousand lies
And a good disguise
Hit ‘em right between the eyes
Hit ‘em right between the eyes
When you walk away
Nothing more to say
See the lightning in your eyes
See ‘em running for their lives

Clever alibis
Lord of the flies
Hit ‘em right between the eyes
Hit ‘em right between the eyes
When you walk away
Nothing more to say
See the lightning in your eyes
See ‘em running for their lives

....

2008-10-08T08:03:00.000-07:00

googled "a level retain" .
nothing at all related came out except some weird science-retaining-water or something .
its like looking for a rope to hang yourself and finding a spongecake .

urgh .

Panic .

2008-10-07T06:37:00.000-07:00

emo post, if you're uncomfortable around christian things too, just avoid this one .

found my way back to God last saturday .

went home, put my bag, took my bible, knelt down and pray for the first time in a long time .
i just felt so wretched, so lost, so sinful .
really poured out all my hurts to God, begged for His forgiveness .
but the saddest thing, which i think the Holy Spirit was telling me, was that this wasnt the first time .
this was not the first time i ran away from God, and end up on my knees begging for His forgiveness .
this was not the first time God took me back, relit the faith in me, and saw me falter slowly away again .
i must have been like the prodigal son for, what, 6 times already?
which father can accept that?
and that was one of the few times i was truly, truly awed by His greatness .
He always forgives, as long as your heart is true, always welcoming and caring when there are so many, so so many, other better deserving children for Him to pay attention to .
i wept, out of fear or out of relieve, i dont know .
i was afraid that He would turn away from me, and i know that no one in their right mind will accept the pain i dealt to God .
i was relieved, that God can help me again .
God knows very clearly i had came back for help .
not out of fear, out of faith, but pure mercenary desires .
He knows .
and i know .
which is perhaps why i keep falling away .
how is it, that from the purest love and faith, came the blackness of mercenary desires ?
how is it that a person who truly, truly, vowed to follow God especially since He had granted the miracle of 20 points for O levels when the person scored double that for prelims, fell away from his vow, and now is back asking for the same miracle for his As?
i've blamed everything possible .
i blamed my church, for not accepting me, for not noticing the boy in adult's service instead of the youth service .
i blamed my family, for not forcing me to go church, for not being strong christians .
i blamed my friends, for not noticing i needed them to help me find a church .
i blamed God, for creating me in the first place .
i blamed satan, and i can bet he was laughing merrily away below, holding the chains to my shackles of sin .
i blamed everything and everyone .
i turned bitter, building up false walls of what i thought people were thinking bout me .
satan stood beside me all the while, passing me the bricks of deception and the mortar of sin .
and i build, build and build till all i could see was the small hole of light way above me .
i cant feel, hear, or care about anything happening outside .
and suddenly it struck me .
that was my heart i was building around .
now my heart is turned to stone, i cant feel anything and blame the outside world for what i had constructed with my own hands .
i had literally built my own private hell, so steep, so strong, i can never climb out .
so satan, using laziness, lured me to continue my build .
now i dug, deeper and deeper, away from everything, away from God, misjudging the warmth of sins for the warmth of love .
and then suddenly, i uncovered skeletons of my past .
skeletons showing where i was before Christ, where i was when i had last fell so far away .
and again, i begged .
God help, please, forgive me, get me out of here .
and always, He came, through the small hole, flying me out and into the open .
i dont know whether He was happy doing so, or crying out of hurt, knowing i'd hurt Him again .
He placed me in the open again .
and suddenly, the many towers i had constructed dotted the horizon .
i can spy the great fat castle in the distance of my youth .
i can see the shorter wells and walls when i was stronger in Christ .
and i can see the growing height of each tower since then .
the latest one i had constructed was almost to the height of the old fat castle .
and God just stood beside me(i hope)trying to wake me up .
show me the sins i had built .
and how many times had He lifted me out .
and getting the brief moment of fresh air, i started unconciously building up my foundations of sin again .
i'm so used to it now .
my heart is so used to the stone, so used to feeling nothing except self pity and bitterness, now cant sense God at all .
that was the first brick .
satan handed me the second, and third, my econs paper, my maths paper .
and i started again .
now i can visualize standing within a knee high wall .
yet the many chains of sin are so heavy that i cant reach out to feel God .
i can only feel His blessings as He tried to reach out to me .
but i cant feel Him .
i cant feel any ounce of the conviction and faith i had .
i cant feel any bit of connection with God .
my heart has turned to stone .
i cant feel anything except for myself anymore .

The Story of The Living Stones :

Sometime in American history, a bunch of farmers came together to build a small gathering place to worship God as the nearest church was too far from their fields and family. their building was simple but sturdy, like each of the farmers. there were no good wood to build the building, yet they had created something strong out of straw and mud. as their village grew, so did the "church" congregation. so they decided to hire a stonemason to construct a larger and stronger structure, a true church building.

the polish stonemason requested that they gather all the rocks and stones they can find into a large pile at the age of the site. the steadfast farmers did as they were told. when the polish stonemason arrived, he immediately started his task. taking one of his many hammers, he started hammering lightly at each rock, tossing some to the right, into the middle of the site and others to his left, away from the site. curious, the villagers gathered to observe his steady process. finally, someone decided to ask him what was he doing. the stonemason explained how some stones are "dead" while others are "living". those of the "dead" are impossible to work with, stubborn to till end, and those he would not waste time with. the "living" stones however, can be shaped to one's desires, to fit into the body of the church. those are the stones he would work with to build their church.

the church was completed eventually and true to the craftsmanship of that era, it stood strong and stable, with no other support except that of the stones supporting each other to hold the structure up. every sunday, the stones of the church building can enjoy the songs. every now and then, happy occassions like weddings or sadder yet powerful ones like funerals touch them. and now and then, the church gets a scrub-down, leaving each stone bright and glistening, almost in happiness at being so clean and fresh. yet all this time, the pile of dead stones stold where they were, baked in the sun, froze in the cold, animals used them as digestives or a scratching post. children threw them around, stomping and flinging them against everything. and sooner or later, through wear and tear, the dead stones eventually crumble into dust, into nothing. while the stones of the church, although now covered with vines and weeds, still had each other for support and company. and that church was discovered again eventually, and restored to its former glory. while the dusts of the dead stones continued swirling round and round, nothing for them to settle on for long, or to finally attain rest.

help me .

advertisment

2008-10-05T07:13:00.000-07:00

hey, it would be a great favor if you guys and gals can go to snippets under my links and comment bout 2 short excerpts of my novel. but they are from entirely different timelines so take it as it is. (that means its not a running story) Thanks in advance for helping me realise my dreams!

Full circle .

2008-09-24T06:17:00.001-07:00

was on my way to sec school when i saw this Crysler 3oo. Paused for a while to look at it until i notice this .

what the...
what next? Bentley? Ferraris? i thought mercedes cabs were already the limit but they never fail to amaze me...

even the taxi driver looks like a towkay...

sat was the 5th anniversary of the 50th coy .
it wasnt the first time i was parade commander, but it was finally a proper parade with colors, advanced drill and GOH, inspection and so on .

hahah, all the CSMs of 50th from left to right and we got a plaque just for being CSM. aint complaining though hahah ...

and this is the second and the last time i can wear my SCLT epaulettes . which really irks me cause they lost my SCLT epaulettes in MAY so i cant get them till the second application .

got proper dress shoes finally. was wearing my old boots which really isnt right but since no one caught me for it ...

and finally, i'm a full officer with my OCT promotion. kinda miss the lanyard and epaulettes of the SCLT though, now all i have on my uniform is my nametag and these 2 collar pins .
and i have to go for BOTC and some other orientation crap which means another 2 months of my life just to confirm my OCT rank .
and another AOTC plus a probation period to promote to 2LT .
my final aim was to become a chaplain for a company which is automatically a LT rank .
dont think it will happen till i'm like 35 or something. balls .

___________________________________________________________

full circle .
my uniform was blank when i joined in primary2, when my journey as a boy started and now blank in J2, as my journey as an officer begins .
its kinda heartwarming to think back on my journey in BB, despite falls here and there, i've made it, i've lasted till the end .
and God did play a big role in my journey .

He gave me my CIC position in primary school, even though the only reason why i got it was because i was well-behaved and regular .

He gave me my CSM position in secondary school, even though the only reason why i got it was because i was the only sec 3 .

And i think He will gift me my position again even though i dont have the qualities or deserve it .

in the BB, badges are prized more than rank .

as a boy, a senior with like 6 rows of badges and a full left sleeve was a demi-god .

he might be just a sergeant but compared to a staff with fewer badges, the sergeant gets more admiration anyday .

anyway, when you have that many badges, chances are you are a staff at least already .

i would always self-conciously turn my right sleeve away when someone with so many badges walk past .

its the epitome of the BB, jack of all trades, master of none, we only have our ridiculous number of badges to boast .

but as we grow older, we realized the badges didnt mean anything .
sure, it was dazzling and glorious but it was usually those who wasnt really spectacular or outstanding that return to serve .

BB is something special to me, because out of all the uniformed groups, how many have large amounts of their ex-cadets coming back to serve?
from my junior company, 2 out of 6 my intake made it to CSM and 3 of us are now OCTs, serving in different companies .

and all of us return for the same reason, to serve God .
some of them return as a form of service to God, because its an area they were already familiar with while still doing God's work .
i returned out of a sense of duty, to bring other boys to Christ, just as how BB brought me to Christ .

happy birthday, 50th and thanks for everything !

resolution

2008-09-17T07:27:00.000-07:00

Resolution:

To prove that i'm overimagining things and jumping at shadows, i will not share anything that can hurt either someone else or me to anyone.

Course of action:

Grit my teeth, get through with JC life. Its only 40 odd days to the end of JC life and if i have to repeat, at least i can ignore everyone and everything. What's done, is done, what will happen, will happen. I cannot do anything bout it, just bitch moan and move on. 40 odd days to the end of the torture to my severely limited EQ. 40 odd days. Just bite your tongue and smile .

ARGH .

2008-09-17T06:54:00.000-07:00

warning: this is MY blog, i say what I like, if you dont like it, piss off somewhere else where someone actually CARES bout your comments or thoughts .

i'm writing this in a fit of anger .

1. ARGH

look, what the hell is your problem? i dont like you if you're afraid of that! if you can talk to everyone else, why cant you talk to me? what the hell did i do? its not like we dont know each other or we interacted for a short time only. you know what, balls to that, i'm totally going to ignore you .

2. AARRGGHH

can someone tell me whether i'm like uber obvious when i'm just GLANCING at someone i like?! why the hell every girl i like knows i like them??? (i'm suspecting backstab here)

3. AAARRRGGGHHH

i think i have to repeat As.

4. AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH

there are like, 20 over swear words i'm repeating everytime i see you. i'm in such a rage now that i cant even express what i want to say!!! just want to break your neck and be done with it. look, i'm not even a threat to you academically or relationship wise, so just stop interfering in every bloody, godforsaken part of my life! i dont mind it if you mock me, i'm used to that but DONT F**KING GO AROUND INFLUENCING PEOPLE CLOSE TO ME TO HATE ME!!! ARGH, i've never met a jackass before and trust me, most "jackasses" do have some saving grace but you have zilch. jackass.

5. AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

why is it that every single embarrassing moment of my life is constantly circling me, just waiting to darken my mood when it lightens up?!

90% of the world is voyueristic, 10% of the world are exhibitionists; if you dont want people to read, dont post, and dont bloody jump to conclusions when the other party is like, 90% of the world!

at the first opportunity, i'm leaving this godforsaken, bloody excuse of a country and all the pain, embarrassments, frustrations, hatred and start afresh somewhere .

Life- Music .

2008-09-12T08:45:00.000-07:00

decided to share some of my musings and parts of my life no one SHOULD know .

Music .

i survive on food, sleep, painkillers and music .

some people need the latest in gadgets or fashions; i need the latest in music .

and that would be the radio, more specifically 987fm .

i started out with crappy cds from SIA which was all my house had since the huge-ass 80s era radio wasnt working .

when i got my first radio, all i listened to was techno .
yes, techno .
still have a few cds from those days .
i hate techno now though so if you want them, drop me a message .
so naturally, the station that i listened to was WKRZ or something .

moved on to classical music .
started out as a way to get me to sleep and i got hooked on it eventually .
so that would be like symphony 92fm? like everyday .

and then, i got hooked on Power 98fm as most of my classmates in lower sec listened to that station .
still remember how we would blast the class's radio and dance and sing to hits like Stacy's Mum, 1985 and Vindicated .

it was around this time i discovered 987fm but i didnt really like it then cause they were too R&B for my taste .

flirted with jay chou's music for a while as most of the "in" clique in upper sec are chinese influenced .

and i'm more open to indie bands now, with people like mai and stephanie etc .

but currently, i'm back to 987fm and had been with it for 3 years now .
and i must say, after being exposed to R&B and hip hop for so long, i getting attracted to it .
i mean, songs like Cookie Jar and A Milli would repulse my pure rock self previously but i'm getting way hooked on songs like these now .
my favourite radio DJs used to be the Muttons, but now it is definately Shan and Rozz from 4 to 8 .
which is understandable considering my hour plus bus journey home everyday is around that time .
and in the mornings, being stuck in the MRT, i cant really grow attached to the AM MAYHEM .
so this is a quite detailed history of my music preferences and history hahah .

now having get past that, i can safely say that any music genre is fine with me .
it doesnt even have to make sense or really in line with my beliefs but songs with great beats? Swallowed hook, line and sinker .

and since i'm really bored, i'm going to list a few songs which i'm hooked on so so badly now, and am shamelessly appealing for anyone with the songs or who can download them to help me with my addiction . [i'd even make it easier for you to copy and paste !]

1. Time of My Life - David Cook

ok, i like this song cause of its meaning{s?} and because it is one of the few songs i can sing by heart and on tune hahah .

2. Crush - David Archuleta

i have no idea why i like this song, just do .

3. Thunder - Boys like Girls

everyone needs some emo songs now and then .

4. The Man Who Cant Be Moved - The Script

very, very meaningful. although i think what the guy did is romantic, but a bloody waste of time hahah .

5. Pork and Beans - Weezer

hahah, one of those songs with no meaning, but i'm hooked after watching the video for it, and trust me, unless you're a hardcore youtuber, you cant really connect with the video . [which i can cause i am, sadly.]

6. A Milli - Lil Wayne

i dont like him. BUT THE BLOODLY BEAT IS STUCK IN MY HEAD !

7. Burnin' Up - Jonas Brothers

the only song i liked from them, the rest are too teenybopper-psuedorocker-wannabeemo-er for me .

8. So What - Pink

urgh, another artiste i hate, but i'm so stuck on the beat .

9. Walking On Air - Kerli

apparently, she is so unknown that this song is being given out for free on iTunes . like it for that creepy voice and beat . reminds me instantly of Emily the Strange .

10. Whatever You Like - T.I

never heard of him, but after hearing the song and watching the video on youtube, i'm hooked. particulary by his wavy hand movement when he says "Whatever you like..." which i cant do ...

11. I Kissed a Girl - Katy Perry

banned in Singapore for obvious reasons, and one of those songs that are not what i would support, but i'm so stuck on the beat .

12. Hot N' Cold - Katy Perry

my latest addiction, blasting it nonstop since i got home via youtube . plus the lyrics describes people i know ...

and lastly, i have this song but nobody knows it and it is a great pity cause not only is it unique, it makes so much sense, about how humans are capable of things like riding bikes without handlebars to despotic actions like missiles and holocausts .

***Handlebars - Flobots***

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afX6VYn48KE

enjoy .

brief summary .

2008-09-02T22:18:00.000-07:00

bloody sick .
i always seem to get the aches-in-every-joint with very-dry-throat and super lethagia .
bloody irritating .
and i hate how time is wasted sleeping for 12 hours .
and waking up with aching kidneys .
ache ache and ache .
balls .

at least yesterday was fun .
out of the blue, my cs skill suddenly returned !
and we got the class sweater/jacket settled at last after like, what, 7 failed attempts ?

sat's teachers' day dinner was alright .
though everything and everyone was really messy .
and the teachers didnt stay long enough .

friday's teachers' day concert was one of the worse even by GESS's standards .
could not even reach half of how fun last year one was .
its rather dissappointing how the Thanksgiving concert by the teachers were so much better than last year's yet we cannot give them something that was even close to the level of effort and creativity they put in .
ah well, everyone's a critic .

prelims was crap .
so much for studying .
another 50 odd days to As .
i have a real bad feeling i would be taking As twice .

i always regarded lit and poems as something structured, y'know, perfect rhymes, perfect structure .
up till now, poems were total crap to me, completely smashed my image .
no rhymes, no structure, which really irks me .
most of the time, it felt like we're reading too deep into poems .
its as though someone crapped in his pants, labelled it as art, and everyone fawns over it .
For Christ's sake, its bloody crap from every angle !
that pretty much sums up my image of studying lit now .
although the lit teachers are the best,
i'm sorry to say, but lit is crap .
but the one of the lit paper's poem revealed to me that lit is not total crap, although it is approaching that soon .
to end, here's James Weldon Johnson's Morning, Noon and Night :

When morning shows her first faint flush,
I think of the tender blush
That crept so gently to your cheek,
When first my love I dared to speak;
How, in your glance, a dawning ray
Gave promise of love's perfect day.

When, in the ardent breath of noon,
The roses with passion swoon,
There steals upon me from the air
The scent that lurked within your hair;
I touch your hand, I clasp your form ---
Again your lips are close and warm.

When comes the night with beauteous skies.
I think of your tear-dimmed eyes,
Their mute entreaty that I stay,
Although your lips sent me away;
And then falls memory's bitter blight,
And dark --- so dark becomes the night.

ahh, perfection .

National Day Celebrations .

2008-08-11T06:17:00.000-07:00

national day . only thing to look forward to is the Thanksgiving concert by the teachers .
i can bet the left nut of joel (he owes me that) no other school can have their teachers perform and mc willingly AND produce such a kickass concert!

the mcs .

starlight by muse by the teachers . very very good band coordination .

concert was even more kickass than last year and on retrospect, i'm amazed how teachers in JCs can be so different from teachers in secondary schools when they're of the same age. if i saw my sec sch teachers putting up a performance like this, man, i'd respect them so much more . sadly they didnt, so...

Camwhoring :

shirlene (or is it charlotte?) said they were starting to look alike . hmm...

yes charlotte, it is up!

ironically, the 2S01 placard was just beside us. irony huh. A1 being A1, we couldnt help ourself mocking THE geek class of the school. [just compare A1's shawn: football player, spiked hair, curses to S1's shawn: geek glasses and hairdo, high pants and all that. honestly, its true!]

found our class's placard .

the greatest opposites .

oopps .

the girls .

the guys . [missing james]

with ms phua .
jump-shot failure .

only the 2 of us were wearing berms. hence the need for this picture. fiona didnt think it was a good enough reason though .

at the prata shop .

and now, a plug by charlotte on behalf of our sponsers:

P.S: 2 hours to get all the friggin' pictures up man!

Colors Blessing .

2008-08-11T05:31:00.000-07:00

finally .
after 5 years, we've got our colors!

CSM [2007-2008] and CSM [2008-2009]

Pioneer batch [whats left of it]

CSM [2003-2004]

CSM [2005-2006]

CSM 2004-2005 in australia, CSM 2006-2007 sick . ahwell, almost a full turnout .

____________________________

i would be suprised if 50th is still in GESS after 10 years .
dragon scouts would never be allowed to fold,
NCC still has too much clout in the NCC HQ and almost all schools have NCC units,
NPCC still acheiving greatly,
SJAB have the best drill squads and would be protected,
GB is outpacing BB in their growth,
and so, guess what CCA group is in the firing line?
the only reason why we're still around is because both the P and the VP are former BB officers and for GESS to retain the UG Niche title, they need 6 UGs .
Alumni is made up of dragon scouts, the TICs in the other UGs have been in their positions for at least 5 years while we're on our 4th TIC in 5 years .

in short, coupled with the dwindling population of GESS, 50th coy has a heck of a trying time ahead .
we could hold out if the boys are dedicated .
we could hold out if the seniors return to help .
and even i'm not prepared to come back every saturday to help out .

i guess the only way 50th can live on is through the lives it has touched .
no matter how much we hated 50th or the boys hated me, we all suffered together or suffered under me .

there are alot of high acheivers around me .
runners, dancers, speakers, writers, actors, singers .
i cant run, cant dance, cant speak coherently, cant write consistently, mediocre acting, and quite a bad singer .
the only acheivement i have is the years i'd spent in BB .
true, i was only CIC in 35th Junior cause ming hong left .
true, i was only CSM in 50th cause ming hong left again and i was the only sec 3 around .
and now, i'm only SCLT cause its a given thing to be promoted after 2 years .
but, i guess, i can take pride that i held on when many others give up .
the only quality i think i have is stubborness, and i have this tendency to hold on just for the sake of holding on .
though the very same stubborness gave me my acheivements, it made me the most hated leader in both 35th J and 50th .
i still cringe when i remember marcus shouting back at me when i was scolding him .
i still cringe when lui siang broke down cause i was drilling them too hard .
i still cringe when people mutter loudly when i punished them .
i still cringe when ernest shook his head when he saw the state the company was in under me .
much of my inner demons is from my experiences in BB .
yet, my acheivements convinces me that i do have some worth in me and i'm not completely useless .

i guess the way forward is to be less autocratic and work on my EQ .
maybe then, i can be a true servant leader .
and maybe, just maybe, i can be captain .
its up to God's plans i guess cause the only way i can serve Him is to help in the BB .
and bring other boys and their families to Christ, as how me and my family was led to Christ through BB .

Great God who knowest all our needs
Bless Thou our watch, and guard our sleep;
Forgive our sins of thought and deed,
And in Thy peace Thy servants keep.

We thank Thee for the day that's done
We trust Thee for the days to be;
Thy love we learn in Christ Thy Son,
O May we all His glory see!

Amen.

Joke

2008-08-05T01:29:00.000-07:00

just to fill the gap .

a man knelt down in prayer .

Man: God, I'm really puzzled by Your greatness, would You be so kind as to answer some questions I have?

God: Sure, my child.

Man: You're immortal right? So, a million years is like an hour to You?

God: It is merely a second my child.

Man: Hmm. You're rich beyond all imagination right?

God: I am...amptly sufficient.

Man: So, a million dollars is like a...grand to You?

God: It is but a mere cent.

Man: Great! So can You spare me a cent?

God: Sure, in a second my child.

now if you didnt understand that, you'd get it in a second .

which means you'd never get it cause you're dead by then .

brain - less .

2008-07-28T06:54:00.002-07:00

things that keep me at the computer:
1. Wiki-surfing [random stuff that pops into my head .]
2. Blog-surfing [hurhur, i'm part of the voyueristic 90% of the world .]
3. ConquerClub [bloody last game that dragged on for 2 months now .]
4. TornCity [part of the routine cause it takes less than 2 minutes to finish .]
5. TribalWars [picture getting 20+ villages, and now you're left with 5 after 155 attacks. balls to that eh .]
6. KONGREGATE! [hooked . really . really . badly .]
7. karencheng.com.au [she's hot . no seriously, its like a glimpse into a young mother's life .]
8. kennysia.com [one word. funny .]

saturday was awkward .
period .
its not mai's or steph's fault .
i'm just not the extroverted type .
joel left before we even got the tickets to sentosa cause of some fight his friend got into .
lionel and i were kinda talking to each other only .
so,

why did i go again?

brain wasnt working well i guess .
not like it ever did anyway .
well, awkwardness sums up the entire saturday for me .

plus i got lightheaded from drinking tiger beer .
LIGHTHEADED . L-I-G-H-T-H-E-A-D-E-D does not spell D-R-U-N-K .

was already slightly lightheaded from falling asleep in the sun .
and trying to gulp down tiger beer cause i wasnt feeling comfortable with the company at the bar plus drinking on an empty stomach wasnt exactly a brilliant thing to do .
yeah yeah, some of you might be scoffing off all these as excuses .
balls to that eh?
anyways, it did feel nice though .
very relaxing...
could walk normally and all just that i was like floating along .
that is until i opened my big mouth and told shirlene i felt drunk .
like i said, brain wasnt exactly in the best that day .
and have to endure hamka's and alvin's condescension .
well, the feeling kinda dissappeared after like 30mins of napping .
the rest of the day was a bore though .
got whacked in the head by a frisbee .
acted busy in front of schoolmates and the english girls .
went home and slacked off .
at least i was finally brave enough to take off my shirt at the beach .
something which i had never, ever done before so i'm happy .
alvin said it was due to the beer .
balls k, i just wasnt brave enough .
which reminds me, thank you fat-guy-with-the-psuedo-muaythai-boxers for giving me balls to take my shirt off .

all in all, an exemplary day to demonstrate how utterly brainless i can get sometimes .

now i owe lionel a trip to ajisen . nice .

to be honest,

2008-07-18T07:05:00.000-07:00

i am really quite pissed .

my whole class signs up for the nike 10 km run and guess who isnt going?

i am a lil pissed at them for choosing something i cant join in,

but i'm more pissed at myself .

i hated running in the past,

but it was after 2.4 when i managed to shave off 10 secs each time i ran that i felt really really happy .

and now i cant run .

when we were playing LAN just now,

and mai called to ask who is signing up,

everyone said yes while i sit there and tried not to listen .

"So altogether 5 people mai!"

shit .

hearing how they gushed about how nice the t-shirt is, how we're FINALLY going to have a class activity .

shit .

well, guess my class is going to get a class tee, cause you get a special tee after the run .

except yours truly .

i aint going to sit down there and watch everyone bond .

i'm stubborn like that .

another class, the same reprisal of role,

Loner: Patson .

fine .

to say that i dont care would be bullshit .

since i've been stepping on a few toes lately,

i think its best to stay away for the time being .

till the class needs me again,

as always.

you said lets pray in the morning, but when i asked you today, you forgot all bout it .

i'm already half a man by serving 7-day BMT .

balls to that .

its ok .

rants over .

have fun class .

best of luck for the nike run .

WARNING: EMO POST

2008-07-17T06:47:00.000-07:00

i really feel guilty about my self-pitying .
after reading ms g's blog,
i dont think i have the right to moan and bitch about myself .
so what if i have pain?
its not till the stage where i need morphine .
so what if i cant walk normally?
its not as if i'm confined to a wheelchair .
there are so many things in life to live for,
and i'm sure there are so many people out there willing to live my life as it is already so, so blessed .
what right do i have to complain and wallow in my own self-pity?
God gave me this life .
i still have no idea why He wants me to be around .
but for receiving such a precious gifted life, i should be glad for that reason alone .
how many people are more disadvantaged yet are so devoted and happy in the Lord?
i'm sick of being the scum,
its time to fight the chains and arise .

thanks ms g, for showing me what living truly is .

Personality Disorder Test Results .

2008-07-15T06:28:00.000-07:00

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Schizoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Schizotypal	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Antisocial	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Borderline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Narcissistic	\|\|\|\|	14%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Dependent	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Obsessive-Compulsive	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

well well .

anyone knows how to contact IMH ?

tagged .

2008-07-14T07:01:00.000-07:00

heres the consequences of being tagged . [thanks minling]

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves. [that kinda takes the fun out of it...]
B) Tag 7 people to do this quiz & those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by.Continue this game by sending it to other people. [nah, not everyone likes getting tagged.]

If your lover betrayed you, what would ur reaction be?
Honestly? If I took the relationship seriously, I would forgive her if she wants to continue. But if she thinks she is better off with that guy, I would back off .

If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
To be able to walk normally and run without pain .

What will your dream wedding be like?
Hmm, it depends on what my wife wants but if I have the say, it would be a church wedding in the afternoon and a evening wedding dinner at the beach .

Are you confused of what lies ahead of you?
Depends. I would usually use my eyes and look out for things in my path and my IQ is high enough to avoid them if be. But seriously? Yeah .

What's your ideal lover like?
Willing to live with my disabilities, and someone who have the same love language as me so its easier for us to get along .

Do you have a person you wish you will be with now?
Yeah .

Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
I guess we would be more blessed if we love someone but I would like to be loved thanks ;)

How long do you intend to wait for someone you love?
If there is a chance, I don’t mind waiting. Unless someone who loves me pops along hahah .

If the person you secretly liked is already attached, what would you do?
Give up .

Is there anything that makes you unhappy these days?
Yeah, my disabilities mainly, all my anger and frustrations are magnified with the illnesses .

Is being tagged fun?
No .

Who are currently the most important people to you?
Family and my friends who help me make it through life .

What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
HMM. A good friend =)

Would you rather be single and rich, or married but poor?
Married and poor only if my wife is happy having me; single and rich if no one wants me .

Would you give all in a relationship?
I would usually but if the relationship progresses and it is a one-sided thing, I would not waste my time.

If you fall in love with two person simultaneously, who would you pick?
The one who loves me and accept me and my disabilities .

Describe an ideal date.
It would only be ideal if my date is really really happy with the date .

If given the chance to turn back time, will you?
Yes. And rent my abilities out so i can make a quick buck .

What is the last thing you would do before you die?
1. Make my sister promise to take care of my parents. If she does and my parents enjoy their golden years, my lawyer will release part of my savings to her as my gratitude.

2. Give the rest of my savings to my parents immediately.

3. Free all assets and possessions for my family to decide what to do with it.

4. Release my organs for anyone who needs it (that is if my organs are still usable) and my body for science.

5. Apology letter to everyone I can remember.

6. Make my parents scatter whatever remains of me leftover into the sea, I don’t like the idea of them grieving for too long.

thats all folks !

HEY .

2008-07-13T02:50:00.000-07:00

need you guys (yes, you who are reading this) to help me decide which blogskin should i choose.

i rather like this skin i'm using, but the other one listed under the friends part (to the right of the blog) and labelled HERE (click on it and go see please) appeals to me more.

leave your decision in the tagboard; thanks!

revival .

2008-07-12T13:17:00.000-07:00

yup, my blog is once again, for the 6th time, up and running .

Woah.

2008-04-28T06:39:00.000-07:00

talk about rising from the dead.
*blows dust off blog*

time to pay up

2007-09-10T06:51:00.000-07:00

for the quiz owed to sarah.

List out your top 5 birthday presents you wish for:

1. Be closer to God
2. Be as close to God as i was once
3. HAHA, not very possible but get into a BGR (just want to love and be loved k)

ok, it's turning out to be some sort of new year resolution

4. Celebrate my birthday with the class
5. Books for leisure reading
6. Dinner with some close friends
7. Sun tan oil
8. Wallet
9. CS or Warcraft game
10. LOVE =))

Answer the following questions:

1. The person who tag you is?
Sarah

2. Your relationship with her is?
HAHA. *drumroll*.......................classmates. i consider her as friend but dont know if she does, lol

3. Your 5 impressions of her:
Cute
Studious
Serious
Easy to get high though
Blur?

4. The most memorable thing she had done for you?
Asked me to join her for the day. Haha, because her buddies werent there, sob.

5. The most memorable words she had said to you?
Is haha considered a word?

6. If she becomes your lover, you will?
HAHA

7. If he/she becomes your lover, things he/she would have to improve on will be?
HAHA

8. If he/she becomes your enemy, you will?
HAH...wait, i mean sob sob.

9. If he/she becomes your enemy, the reason will be?
because of someone *gives evil stare*

10. The most desired thing you want to do for him/her now is?
HAHA. she might not want it anyway.

11. Your overall impression of him/her is?
HAHA. ok la, not qualified to answer.

12. How do you think people around you would feel about you?
I dunno, do you guys feel emo coming from me? *frowns*

13. The character you love of yourselve is?
I"M HUMBLE! ok whatever, hmm, i hate myself *stab stab*, ok, seriously.....i dont know HAHA

14. On the contrary, the character you hate of yourself is?
What. only one? dont care, hmm, obssessive, desperate, jealous, prideful, emoful, shy, and lots more. i hate these 1 answer questions hmph.

15. The most ideal person you want to be is?
Jesus Christ. which i really dont think i can...*rattles on*

16. For people that care and like you, say something to them:
Why do you even care/like me? Please sms me ASAP if there are even any of you guys out there HAHA

17. For people whom i've hurt:
SORRY, even if i dont mean it for what you might have done which i dont really remember and i dont really want to apologize but yeah, SORRY

18. Pass this quiz to 10 people that you wish to know how they feel bout you:
what. they must have blogs right? URGH.

1. Shirlene
2. Charlotte
3. Fiona
4. Minling
5. Lionel
6. Stephanie
7. Lim Woan
8. Zhi Xian
ok. i dont have much friends. sob. so here are those that dont have blogs.
9. Aqidah
10. Claudia (you're not updating yours k)

[please note, if you intend to do this quiz, i advice you to fill in the ten names before you proceed with your reading! Its no fun otherwise.]

1. Who is no.6 having a relationship with?
God. And her friends DUH.

2. Is no.9 a male or female?
Female shall not be mean patson, must not...

3. If no. 7 and 10 are together, would it be a good thing?
EWW. this quiz has no brains man.

4. How bout no. 8 and 5?
EWW infinity squared. OK. it REALLY has no brains.

5. What is no.2 studying about?
Same subject combi. regretfully. kidding!

6. When was the last time you had a chat with no.3?
This morning. pon school urgh and tsk tsk

7. What kind of music band does no.8 likes?
Westlife? emo songs HAHA

8. Does no. 1 has any siblings?
*fingers crossed* 1 younger sister right?

9. Will you woo no.3?
HAHA. hold on. HAHAHA. like she wants liddat HAHAHAHAHA.

10. How bout no.7?
HAHA. attached already stupid quiz!

11. Is no.4 single?
Yeah. HAHA, are you going to kill me when you see this?

12. What is the surname of no.5?
FOOL. SORRY, i mean FOO, as in BEAUTIFOO, WONDERFOO and all the weird names his children are going to have lol.

13. What is the nickname of no.10?
Clauds?

14. What is the hobby of no.4?
Tennis? HAHA.

15. Do no.5 and 9 get along well?
Quite. that is if they even talk to each other regularly.

16. Where is no.2 studying at?
SRJC.

17. Talk something casually bout no.1?
S-L-O-W HAHA

18. Have you tried developing feelings for no.8?
hold on. *vomits* no offence but he is a guy after all haha.

19. Where does no. 9 lives?
SINGAPORE! i'm so smart, hmm, Tampines?

20. What color does no.4 likes?
I"M SORRY MINLING, green?

21. Are no.5 and 1 best friends?
hurhur. not really as compared to no.2 but close.

22. Does no.7 like no. 2?
Woah. its like double, 7 is attached and i think their both straight. i think. HAHA

23. How did you get to know no. 2?
In a foreign exchange program. nah, school *yawns*

24. Does no.1 has any pets?
ok. if there were, God bless their little souls. HAHA

25. Is no.7 the most sexiest person in the world?
That depends on how you define sexy. For a certain tall and thin chinese plant most definately. HAHA, no offence k?

THE END

sign. wheres the refund department? thats an hour of my sleep gone. *grumbles*

woah,

2007-09-10T05:30:00.000-07:00

its 10 september.

Teachers' Day:

concert was great, way better than sec sch anyways haha. took a cab back with minling and ming hong. kinda interesting that we are the only GESS peeps in the whole of SRJC and we're from the same primary school, same class in sec 3 and 4 in sec sch.

back in the days where emo boy is my closest friend, especially in sec 2 and 3, i use to walk around GESS and think bout how many times have i walked through a particular corridor and what happened there. If no one was around, i would just stop right where i started thinking (or emoing to some) bout all these. i could actually see like how we laughed so hard while walking to class, how i ran past again and again for PT and TAF club. Sometimes i would stop outside rooms and i see visions in my head of what we did inside. i could see us sitting in D&T room, goofing around with the equipment, how we mixed random chemicals around and ended up with a persistant orange one we couldnt change. looked into the old classrooms and see how we stayed back so late when we were still allowed in sec 1 and 2 to play and talk. saw the arguments we had over the color of the class in sec 3. i loved those moments. yeah, it was anti social but it felt so dear, all these memories. how many human contact had passed through these places? how many lives changed, hearts broken, friendships found? spent the last weeks of sec 4 just walking around the whole school and reminisciening. 4 years just swept past. yeah, it would be better if someone did those walks with me but i guess i'm the rare breed that spend so much time trying to relive memories. but those moments, the 4 years of significant maturity, can never be replaced for nothing would ever be as long to be impactful.

So anyways, went back. nothing amazing about the building, been going back every saturday for external CCA but it was a very strong sensation seeing all the old faces. how we were the ones now standing at the back of the hall, watching the concert and those places we sat for 4 years watching the concerts. most of us changed physically and though the time was not long enough to confirm this, we changed personalities too. just a great experience to see my old classmates, espeically zhi hong who didnt seem to have changed much lol. kumar grew much much more vulgar and our class hobbit, darren is now taller than me. realized that we have 3 classmates for every JC we went to. zhi hong, nerrine and guo zheng in JJC, matthew, madinah and fashirah in PJC, moorthy, lu ting, celestine in NYJC, and the 3 of us in SRJC. it really felt so different talking to them compared to now. went tiong bahru plaza, our usual hangout and ate at grillers, our usual lunch spot in sec 3. remembered how we sat for hours there eating and talking, pushing all bill to darren who has to sit there and sort costs out. ming hong with his clique in kopitiam a floor below, minling with her clique stayed in grillers for a while longer, darren, zhi hong, kumar, guo zheng and me went walking around. watched ratouille with them. it was not sadness when we left, it was just a very interesting feeling to me which i cant describe, sort of bittersweet, waving darren off, seeing zhi hong wait at the bus stop for his bus while i left on mine. its just so very interesting. guess i'm over sentimental.

Teachers' Day dinner:

haha, nice dinner. i love JC teachers, we are like on a more similiar plane perhaps because we are more matured already. if i'm ever going to teach, which i am seriously considering, i would ONLY be a JC teacher. just some great differences i'm lazy to type here.

Random musings(from emo-boy):

1. was walking out of school along the fence when emo boy popped up. he was emoing as usual and was sharing in great lengths how it would be very interesting if time stopped and he could move around. he would like to see, when he goes up to a person lets say, on the basketball court and see in 10 years time what will he look like. would he have kids? would he be dead already. yeah, whatever emo boy, i'm not going to type your whole account down k, my blog is boring as it is.

2. ok, this concept i agree with emo-boy. he was thinking how we are still pretty much undecided on our identity, especially me i think, its like i'm mirroring people's unique actions if i spend too much time with them. i really have no unique things of my own. also, i am very different with different groups of people. it scares me sometimes because i dont know who i really am. my personality is basically a montage of different people i've came across. i guess thats where lit and identity helps haha. haish, i think i'm truly emo, a label i was covering up since this year and a trait i bitch and downplay people for having. bitter irony. could be a phase, or just the way i look at things is humanely labelled under emo. thanks alot, whoever judged which perspective goes under what categories. emo boy is smiling at me now. urgh, smiles from killer moodswingers are not a good thing.

promos is 2 weeks away and here i am. i want to be at least top 10 in class which is a first for in primary and sec sch, no matter how hard i try, i'm still bottom 5. always. but mid-years here really drove my ambitions up i guess. it may be a good thing but i still havent started studying. urgh. bleah. hmph. argh. whatever. anything.

just because someone tagged me

2007-07-25T07:48:00.000-07:00

thanks Lionel! Not that i have any obligation to do it heh, using it as an excuse to blog.

Erm, each player must like type 10 weird or little known facts about yourself. People who gets tagged (muahaha, now to see who actually reads. ok, i have a sad social life...) must write in a blog of their own the 10 weird blah blahand state all the rules clearly. At the end tag 5 people and no tag backs haha.

Now for the dirt:

1. I used to love the food they serve at funerals, havent been to one lately though.
2. I SWORE NOT TO TOUCH MATHS AFTER O LEVELS!!! ended up taking H1. bleah...
3. Used to bite my toenails haha.
4. Still enjoy singing loudly with the windows opened wide but doors shut. Which explains the dirty looks i get sometimes around home...
5. Used to throw really bad tantrums when given fried rice instead of chicken rice. (like smashing the fried rice on the walls or empty in on the floor...) only those 2 though heh
6. Still at war with my sister, with her security pillow and my bolster being the main casualties. By the way, she changed her pillow 3 times now muahahaha!
7. Which brings back to mind my childhood security pillow. one day, my father put his hand on my shoulder and grimly declared: boy, it is time to throw your pillow away. So i very seriously walked to the rubbish chute and laid it gently down before letting go. that was at 7. my sister is now 9. go figure.
8. Used to dig earthworms and catch small grasshoppers and mash them up. i thought it was easier for the school fishes to eat haha.
9. The first few times i microwaved stuff, after starting the heating, i would run to my room and wait for the sound cause i thought it might explode.
10. Still stand way back before starting the stove fire. and jump when the fire starts lol.

so lets see whether anyone responses haha:
-Fiona Quek
-Chow Zhi Xian
-Huda
-Minling
-Stephanie

emo-boy not really happy cause i refuse to post his views for the month lol. it is not comfortable blogging when he sulks beside you so seeya soon!

Adventures of Emo Boy

2007-07-02T03:07:00.000-07:00

Bleary-eyed, much confused, the boy awakes, the routine renews:

well, been inactive for quite a while, i owed emo boy some entries so here:

was watching mtv with emo boy yesterday. he broke down watching avril lavigne's when you're gone video. Its been a while since he became so emo and it took me aback for a while. Well, emo boy was thinking about his future when the video played and he was very confused. He had always wanted to meet his better half for very long and always lamented how sad it was looking at couples. But the video broke his vision. He realized that he was very afraid of being alone. There was a old man in the video crying as he looked at the photos of his wife and her clothes.

"What if your wife died way before you did?"

"Well, at least she's going to a better place." I ventured.

"I dont think i can take it. Its like a part of you dying too. It really makes me question would i ever dare to find someone who i can spend my life with, share my hopes, fears, my everything only to watch her die someday and leave me only with memories. She is going to leave a huge gap in my life. If i am going to lead that kind of life, i would rather stay single and cope with the loneliness than the gap she would leave. I'm not scared of dying if it means i wouldnt be alone until the day i die. Man, i hate loneliness!"

And with that, he walked out. I guess he is kinda right in a way. For me, its more of the pain (this sounds evil but i hope its pain) my half might go through since i'm going to die earlier. Why would i want someone to suffer what i'm not willing to go through?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
the face i came to know is missing too
When you're gone
All the words i need to hear to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

So ends yet another day and the boy still waits, for the other piece of his puzzle, to allow the final transition.

Adventures of Emo Boy

2007-06-05T05:15:00.000-07:00

A gentle disclaimer.
The Adventures of Emo Boy represents a different entity from the blog owner.
So dont get sucked into emoing or false assumptions when you read!

P.S Emo Boy likes to exaggerate. A lot.

Adventures of Emo Boy

2007-06-05T04:39:00.000-07:00

Bleary-eyed, much confused, the boy awakes, and the routine renews:

Emo Boy caught a Spidey 3 with my family and me recently. Was nice to me, loved the last drama part. HOWEVER, for Emo Boy, who is never ever silent : "You know what defines a good movie? Its one which detaches you from reality. As if you are in a movie itself. You wouldnt like walk out and think, yeah, nice movie. You walk out and feel emotionally charged. blah blah..." Uh-huh. So yeah, Emo Boy went home immediately and emoed in front of the computer. Whatever.

From Emo Boy:

Just received news about the death of a friend's aunty baby. Died as she was way premature. Just thinking, if i was a parent, would i dare to face all these? Yeah, its from God and He willed that your family handle all these situations but i never, ever dare to try and think about having a child who is "unwhole". Love comes easy, after all, she or he is your flesh and blood, but how can i support her/him so that she/he will live a comfortable life? My wife and i would have to struggle, no doubt, but what worries me more is how can i give them a sheltered life where they wouldnt have to struggle along, where they can just receive the complete love from us, a love society would not give? What if my children dies prematurely? They cant enjoy what life, what God has to offer and show. These responsibilities make me question myself on marriage. Even "normal" children. How am i to make sure they grow up right? Cant be too restrictive or to relaxed. Parenting is not easy. Its a hurdle many couples rather not face. But marriage to me, is a will from God that He wants us, given the chance for us to manage the growth of another disciple, to make sure she/he grows up according to how God desired. Thats the responsibility He had given to us the day we exchanged vows. Even if we could not have one of our own, the church, society has so much young lives waiting for someone to take up the responsibility and care for them. Its not easy being a parent. Then again, who said parenting was simple?

So ends yet another day and the boy still waits, for the other piece of his puzzle, to allow the final transition.

blood, pens and coffee

2007-05-27T06:58:00.001-07:00

blood test with leo, huda and lionel today at TTSH. went with lionel splurging on stationery at bras basah popular. ended at starbucks. if only every day could be lived thus - except for the blood test part .

random school pics

2007-05-27T06:55:00.001-07:00

the flowers reminded me of how i used to suck the nectar from these flowers in primary school. not so much sweetness here though .

random school pics

2007-05-27T06:54:00.000-07:00

PW AGAIN

2007-05-27T06:52:00.001-07:00

and at chinatown point Mc again. without charlotte this time though .

ended up doing nothing cause most of the documents with her. ah well. another excuse to play on zhi xian's laptop. as for marian...sorry!!!

steph's house

2007-05-27T06:47:00.001-07:00

just chilling and impromptu music lessons. oh yeah, lionel's dance lesson too.

caught this image while he was clapping his hands

thanks for the fun steph!

geylang eats

2007-05-27T06:29:00.000-07:00

friday nights are reserved for dinner in seedy places and tonight is geylang. saw the illegal cigarettes pushers and the usual sights of geylang.

*for those who are looking hard for the sights, sorry, cant take any . not for a lack of effort though.*

sitting in front of a rubbish dump while eating? priceless .

its supposed to be beef hor fun. supposed .

and the highlight! frog legs porridge. tasted kinda like rubber chicken though .

mothers' day

2007-05-27T06:20:00.000-07:00

went to a DIY popiah place to celebrate:

the ingredients

the popiah skin

garlic and sweet sauce

with lettuce and bean sprouts

topped with the veggie, egg and coriander

put as much as you desire

voila! mine's pudgy and short compared to my father's clinically precise one but whatever. sadly, mine disintegreted after a bite, too much veggie gravy i guess, hahax...

still very much in love with

2007-05-27T06:17:00.000-07:00

take-awayed half boiled eggs

the much missed presence for a week

2007-05-27T05:44:00.000-07:00

somehow the small figure can fill the house with life. her obessions with toys and food along with suspicions of small noises and neighbors returning. or how she licks people to get them to close the windows when it rains at night. and how she jumps and twirls when someone wakes up or returns home. it may be for a week,

but it was the best week of the year .

missing her badly now...

Adventures of Emo Boy

2007-05-24T07:25:00.000-07:00

Bleary-eyed, much confused, the boy awakes, and the routine renews:

A sense of foreboding. The dread of failing. Though what’s been done is done. All he can do is pray and hope. He knows he had been treating God as a source of emergency “wish-granting”. Another promise to do quiet time.

Walked aimlessly. Though not alone this time. He signed when he saw the previous clique. He knew he can no longer fit in. Being out of the “loop” for too long. Chilled in the sun, thinking about how life sucks.

Poked fun again at the geeks. Though knowing God will disapprove. The temptation to discriminate and prejudice, too hard to resist. Felt helpless seeing a friend fall deeper into his own emotions.

Swaggered into tutorial, a mask of arrogance. How long is he going to keep up, with all these false pretences? Sat beside the someone, that always sat away. Tried to call for people, just to show some courtesy. Bewildered by the comments she made, about people who came in late. Discovered that wall of principles, that is what she constructs around her. And facing that wall of defiance, his heart and brain gives up.

So ends another day, waiting for a friend. Felt guilty as hell, for talking about him only minutes before. Still weary of the sudden mood swings, from killer to friend. However he ends off well, making him regret about the things he said. Now he know why, God said to not gossip.

So ends yet another day and the boy still waits, for the other piece of his puzzle, to allow the final transition.

PW again

2007-05-12T04:09:00.000-07:00

at cathay's ben and jerry's this time

i hate PW...

Sports Day

2007-05-12T03:40:00.000-07:00

its sports day and we still had lessons =(

while waiting for steph's mum

at cafe cartel

EVER TAKEN-AWAY HALF BOILED EGG?

2007-05-12T03:38:00.000-07:00

its nice ok!

family outing

2007-05-12T03:12:00.000-07:00

since mum had dinner with friends, we took the chance to go somewhere nice!

went robertson quay:

found this while walking along. wonder why the pillars were still there...

had some pork-bone-soup ramen. VERY nice!

went to marina square to wait for mum:

couldnt resist dessert lolx

not as good as it looks....

East Coast Park

2007-05-12T02:48:00.000-07:00

Pizza!!!

2007-05-12T02:03:00.000-07:00

went pizza hut after school. camwhored as usual lolx!
i look the same boring self in all the pics though =(
i hate multi shots .

i forgotten what i ate but it tasted like DRIED maggi mee. *bleah*

Is it time?

2007-05-03T06:44:00.000-07:00

been getting this feeling recently that its time to move on.
Since that church camp, i realized my spiritual growth slowed down alot.
Its hard to go every sunday to a church you are so familiar with, yet without connections to the people within.
I see many opportunities from zhi xian especially but somehow, there is still something holding me back.
So is it time?
Wonder if God wants to reveal to me the one He had for me in His will or it is my own insecurity in a new church.
And then there is my father.
If i dont go to service on sundays, he would not go too.
Its hard to ask him to go with me to a new church especially when i would be most likely going to the youth service.
well, this had been weighing on my mind lately and i keep questioning myself
So is it time?
I can say my immediate desire now is to find a church i can truely call home.
Somewhere with people i actually know and talk to.
A place where i can find other servants my age to continue growing.
A starting point where my service to God goes beyond boys brigade alone.
Hopefully also where my parents and my sister can go along.
A chance to perhaps become a leader in the church.
So is it time?

i commit all these into Your hands, Lord
I pray for Your will to be done and not mine,
Use me as You willed, King
In Jesus's most highest name i pray,
Amen.

Do You?

2007-05-01T07:10:00.000-07:00

Do you know how it feels?
To get frustrated with things beyond your control?
To be angry with something you dont really know?
To bottle all the feelings until they explode?
Do you?
Get twisted with envy?
Slander with hatred?
Quiver and rage?
With things that dont really matter?
Do you know?
The tears i shed?
In the lonely corner bled?
Felt my heart ripped to shreds?
Now please understand,
Why i'm saying all these,
For because of you i experience,
The darkest of all emotions,
So do you,
Know how it feels?

PW Group

2007-05-01T06:47:00.000-07:00

at chinatown point mac trying to do PW without marian,

best picture yet, so hard to take without someone being cut off lolx

happy birthday charlotte!

2nd birthday outing

2007-05-01T06:31:00.000-07:00

tabby's birthday at changi and the scenery was PERFECT

happy birthday!

birthday outing

2007-04-30T07:58:00.000-07:00

at orchard cine for leo's birthday:

aglio olio this time, simple but nice!

thanks for the fun!!!

hungry?

2007-04-30T07:45:00.000-07:00

went hunting for dinner one night. got lost in some "little vietnam"with a lot of seedy bars with vietnam words all over...feels like in malaysia too, a very very clean malaysia (no offense!)

finally found it after 4 rounds of aimless driving. totally worth the pain! though it looked like a bunch of pale, thin worms with blood all over. well, everything comes with a price i guess...

...............................................................................

my family seriously got to cut down on packet drinks, this is the very night we bought the drinks...

random pics

2007-04-30T05:23:00.000-07:00

had some udon this time, PLEASE STICK WITH RICEBOWLS IN YOSHINOYA

Vivo-licious

2007-04-07T06:19:00.000-07:00

Went present hunting for SOME PEOPLE at Vivocity on fri. Suddenly remembered to take pics while eating at LJS

suddenly realized i had a fetish for pics of eaten food.

And the pic fever catches right on:

While Claudia trys her bag...

Leo trys Lim Woan lolx

from Leo's HP:

This is officially Leo's trademark.

Went E-zone to play. We look calm in the pics but everything was FLYING everywhere. Poor Zhi Xian gotta take the pics while we had the fun, SORRY!

Sat outside afterwards waiting for Claudia's mum. Zhi Xian left already then...and what can we do now?

more pics again, hahax

At my house lift lobby. Too cute for words

Good Friday Dedication

2007-04-06T08:59:00.000-07:00

its 2 mins to the end of good fri as i began typing this.

and how is this Good Friday?

The Servant King

This is our God, the Servant King
He calls us now, to follow Him
To bring our lives, as a daily offering
Of worship to the Servant King

From Heaven You came, helpless babe
Entered our world, Your glory veiled
Not to be served but to serve
And give Your life that we might live

There in the garden of tears
My heavy load He chose to bear
His heart with sorrow was torn
"Yet not My will, but Yours." He said

Come see His hands and His feet
The scars that speak of sacrifice
Hands that flung stars into space
To cruel nails, surrendered

So let us learn How to serve
And in our lives, enthrone Him
Each other's needs to prefer
For it is Christ we are serving

this song sums it up for this Good Friday, but as the cab driver puts it, good friday was not that good after all.

May the Lord reconcile the bond between father and son...

pictures finally {Leo's version}

2007-04-05T07:36:00.000-07:00

And here's Leo's HP pics.

Lionel pretending he doesn't like the camera.

Thts Huda btw.

Note Lionel's expression lolx.

Marian and Joyce.

Getting ready...

Shying away...

and again...

Two happy friends!

And someone spoils the pic.

This shows how heavy i am really.

And my favourite pic!

pictures finally {My version}

2007-04-05T06:52:00.000-07:00

Yay thursday! At the maths tutorial...

Credits to Fiona for discovering our wonderful GC!

Huda's version.

and many thanks to econs, we gotta stay till 4.45 for make up lecture. Discovered a playground near SR though!

Apparently, big butts are not allowed here.

Note the nonchalent kids behind.

Econs lect was super boring at first but with the games of Bingo and name-the-capitals-and-hollywood-actors, quite tolerable.

At Yoshi for dinner with Huda and Leo.

The beginning...

The process...

the end!

yeah, they were kinda pissed with me and my phone today.

this is so random

2007-04-04T05:28:00.000-07:00

but yeah, inspiration juz emerged so,

Over the excuses
Of the hints of life
Darkness descends
And yet another dawn arise

juz got the inspiration on the bus. its kinda sad what kind of lives we lead today, one of endless compeitition and of speed. is this what we call life? how nice if we all could live for life alone and not for survival in this world.

O Lord, if it was all for You...

Emo entry

2007-04-03T06:59:00.000-07:00

yeah. i'm REALLY free now so i guess i'll juz emo.

i find myself staring at her. in lectures, in the canteen, while i'm walking, while i'm eating, while i'm breathing. i guess i still like her? Leo pointed out she really has a lousy attitude. i tink she knows i still like her. and i know her attitude sucks. But i still find myself drawn to her. its been 4 years since i saw her in the flesh and i feel like my heart is trying to make up for all the thousand odd days i couldnt see her. love is such a magical feeling. it makes one forget the other's flaws. it numbs the heart, it befuddles the brain, it create obessions. every dream, every thought, every feeling would wind up back to her. pain along with warmth, grief along with joy, oxymorons at every corner. the inner monster roared with fury when she talks to a guy, it purrs in contentment whenever she is alone, it shudders with excitment when there are opportunities to stare. some call it lust. it might be. but do lust last 5years? through all the temptations, through all the wasted opportunities just so, without even a slight chance that we could end up together. a crush then? a crush for 5 long, agonizing years where every information about her is eagerly fought and sought for? years spent in Hope, in prayer where we could be together when the brain is very, very clear that it is not possible? my heart wants me to walk up, say hello, to resunme the chase, to try again and again. then the ever cool brain reminds the pain, the humiliation, the impossibility of even saying hi, the persistant nagging to give myself a chance, to forget. and the soul, torn between two masters, takes the middle path, to stalk, to stare, to dream, to wish, to hope - the middle course that burns stronger, burns deeper every single passing day. i almost want, sadistic as it sounds, for her to tempt me, then to laugh at my pathetic attempts to reach out, all for her own pleasure. at least i can contribute to her happiness. it sounds so pathetic and loserish but its so true. so what are my plans? i guess i will stick to the middle until someone who wants my piece of my hopeless excuse of a heart appears. till then, the dream will carry on...

Use me as you will,
Pull my strings just for a thrill,
And i know i'll be ok,
Though my skies are turning grey

Recounts of a very general nature

2007-04-03T06:27:00.000-07:00

yeah...finally got the motivation to blog...there's like 3 main events since the last proper blog entry...

Chinese New Year

So hows the annual meet-the-relatives-and-compare-children-result-gathering?
was kinda good actually
first day was kinda sad cuz the older cousins were catching up on taiwan serial, the younger group was busy playing in the room and the ones close to my age were vegging out watching tv. so i'm kinda like trying to find my place? i have NO interest for taiwan serial, i juz become the nanny and punching bag in the younger group and i really, really cannot stand chinese live concerts on tv. so i'm kinda like drifting here and there looking for someone i can click with and ended up next to a window feeling very lonely. most of my family is china orientated especially when it comes to entertainment and i'm like the only sole english supporter. and it gets lonely sometimes. we all grew up basically. no common interests, without the liberation and innocence of children we all once had. yeah. very depressing. the other days were better but gone were the times we juz sat and crapped, bout life bout sch bout girls bout boys. all gone. everyone were basically wound up within their own conversations in their own families. no one bothered to reach out, to ask, to care, to know, to share. and there is the rift between my uncle family and the rest. their family is, very crudely put, poorer compared to the others. and they kinda ostrasized themselves. my grandmother, from what i gathered also show favourtism. the adults were ok but my cousins juz withdrew into their shells and bolted the doors. i really missed talking to them. but i didnt dare reach out, to try and establish contact. i juz sat there and emoed to myself. i really, really missed talking to the eldest sister. there are so many things i wan to ask her and to share with her. so much.

Orientation

i was part of the winning family but was with the sci peeps in my group(posted to sci btw) and things juz dun wrk out. i hav very few friends and was very emo cuz i saw my crush in pri sch. its been like 5 years now but my heart is still with her. i guess i juz cant click with sci peeps.

Class Camp(and the make up lessons)

ROCKS. 1A01 so rocks. our class is like a big family now. i guess thts why birds of the same feather flock together. i feel so at good here! its like i've found my home, my family. i guess thts y i cant click with sci peeps cuz i'm a art at heart. whats more, the most of the class, like 80 percent are Christians or Catholics. i knew i was in the rite class immediately. heres a shoutout to Leo, Huda, Tabby and Joel. 1A01 RAWKS! (btw, there is like 32 sci classes VS 11 arts. like, whatever!)

I know i've not been updating...

2007-03-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

but with all the things on now...
will try to soon...

fingers crossed?

Dyed

2007-02-16T06:27:00.000-08:00

Been wanting to dye my hair for a LONG while.
Finally got it done today.
I guess after my result(not fantastic but also not expected). my father gave in.
Anyways, its now a copper kinda color.
i feel so liberated like i've just transited into a next phase.
sadly, when school starts next month, its back to black.
at least this CNY i got something to show =]]

Woots!

2007-02-11T07:33:00.000-08:00

Results Day.
I had the dreaded feeling of ITE.
Thank God.
Thank God.
Thank GOD.
I got a solid 20!
Enough for JC or MI.
So happy.
Thanks, God.
Dont even deserve it.
Now the dillema.
Take the gamble, or play it safe?

The Intricate Lies You Weave

2007-02-03T07:07:00.000-08:00

I am an arms dealer
Fitting you with weapons in the form of words
And I don't really care, which side wins
As long as the room keeps singing
That's just the business I'm in

back from class chalet. And its really a bungalow. I wonder when would we have the chance to gather like that again. three days two nights of pure, unchecked fun...

wish i was there all over again...

2007-02-03T07:06:00.000-08:00

This Ain't a Scene, It's An Arms Race - Fall Out Boy

First Post

2007-01-30T19:15:00.000-08:00

Its been a few months since i've blogged so thought get a whole haulover as my life enters into a next phase. Going off to class chalet so it kinda balances off the dread of the coming results. I hate it when people mention it cuz inevitably i would assure them my place in ITE and i don't want God to hear that and grant me that wish. But its the despondency that makes me say that. I wonder how many of us look back. Look back to the days when we first entered the school, when we made friends, when we adjusted and change. How many would remain in contact? How many would recognize each other and say hi when we bump into each other? How many? Its so cruel that so many best friends end up as rivals, as strangers in the race of life. Would any of us remember how life was like without constantly looking over your shoulder and without caring when the next pay or promotion is? Sometimes when i talk with my friends my mind would wander. Would they still be the same? Or life would turn them bitter and uncaring? Would we remain friends? Or rivals in the ever compeititive world? And i would try to relish the moment and imprint it deep inside. For it is a shell of my childhood, where i had tasted pure happiness and joy. For life ahead would only get worse. In the race, how many previous friends would help those who have fallen to get back up? How many more would ignore or step over their friends?